bunnyglow: The Radioactive Drink That Makes You Radiant
Here at Bunny Ears, we know that keeping up the required skin care routine is a real time investment. By law, the time we spend cleansing, toning, moisturizing, massaging, milking, praying, ritual dancing, and on and on can feel like such a waste. We’d much rather spend that time growing our careers and spending time with our families, and we know you would, too.
Wouldn’t it be so much easier if you could just drink your skin care? We know you’re already drinking your toner, but that’s just because it gives you a wicked buzz. What if you could do that and improve your skin at the same time? Now, you can, with bunnyglow, the radioactive drink that makes you radiant.
Bottled only from the finest mountaintop toxic waste dumps, bunnyglow is skin care you can drink. Topical skin care can only go so far, but a daily dose of the minerals from our exclusive reservoir of nuclear byproducts transform your skin at its deepest level, fighting the effects of aging and improving overall skin tone.* The ionized particles or whatever probably fight free radicals or some shit.** We don’t know how it works, but the point is, you’ll glow from the inside out or your money back.***
At just $612 a bottle, you can’t afford not to make the switch to lasting luminescence. The best part is that, while other skin care products may contain harsh chemicals that irritate your skin, bunnyglow is technically all-natural. Its side effects, of which we’re required by law to inform you, are limited to nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, spontaneous bleeding, headache, fever, failure of a number of vital organs, and one extra eye at most. At most. Clinical trials right here in the Bunny Ears office resulted in not a single death that could be definitively proven to be caused by bunnyglow, and the survivors have never looked better.
But don’t take our word for it. Just listen to some of these satisfied bunnyglow believers.
“Just one bottle of bunnyglow every morning gives me everything I need to look and feel my best. I’m even losing weight, thanks to the nonstop shitting! I’ve never felt so light and dizzy. I’m never going back to my old skin care routine.” –Karma, 31
“Watch this. Cool, huh? I can do that on command now. Thanks, bunnyglow!” –Enmity, 24
“bunnyglow isn’t just for women! Not only do the ladies love my new natural incandescence, I no longer have to shave because I’ve lost all of my facial hair. It’s a real time-saver!” –Dane, 33
“If anything, I feel that my extra eye is a bonus.” –Jessa, 26
So what are you waiting for? Click on over to the Bunny Ears store and get your bunnyglow on! For a limited time, we’re offering a month’s supply of bunnyglow for only $15,000, a savings of over $3,000! (Our testing shows you likely won’t need more than a month.) All you have to lose is your time.****
*These statements have not been evaluated by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.
**They will kill you.
***Go fuck yourselves.
****And your kidneys.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…