So It’s Christmas And You’re Still Trapped In That Corn Maze. What Now?
Nothing beats strolling through a corn maze on a crisp fall day, but what happens when fall turns to winter and your entire family is still stuck inside? How do you keep things light once you realize this maze may never end? Here are a few ways to keep the family fun flowing when the snow starts falling and you’re still looking for that fucking exit.
Chart the Sun
Distract the kids and keep tabs on the passage of time with a little astronomical fun! Try using the Sun as your guide and chart its movement through the seasons. You probably should have done this from the beginning, because Lord knows how many days have passed since that crisp September morning you arrived to meet your doom. You can hear Christmas carols from the occasional car that drives by, but that can’t be right. Can it?
Pretend This Isn’t Happening
As days stretch into weeks and the temperature plummets, nothing keeps you warm like good old denial. Okay, central heating would be way better, but that’s not an option right now, so fucking make do. By pretending that everything is totally normal, you’ll keep your family focused on what really matters: fun!
Eat the Corn
Local farms like the one you’re stuck on use corn mazes to promote their primary business, which is growing corn, so go ahead and chow down! In fact, maybe you can eat your way out? Just remember that you’ll still have to pay for it when (if?) you get out alive, so keep track of every kernel you eat.
Contemplate the Probability of an Afterlife That Is Also a Corn Field
At a certain point, it doesn’t hurt to assess the situation realistically. You’ve been in this corn maze for months, traveling in seemingly endless circles, always winding your way back to that same stupid tractor. Is it possible you’re in hell? It’s not ideal, but by considering it, you can keep the madness at bay. Anything to buy some time. You’ve got a lot of corn to eat.