Opinion: AEW Has A Drug Problem Because It’s A Whole Roster Of Drug-Free Nerds

April 28, 2022 by , featured in Wrestling
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AEW says they want to bring old-school wrestling back. Well, when I grappled in the ’70s and ’80s as “Sheet Metal” Barry Bicep, I can tell you for a damn fact that these little runts and their flippy-do match-having promotions look nothing like the boys I ran with in my day, or the rasslin’ that made this business great. I’m calling it now: AEW has a drug problem, and that problem is that none of their wrestlers do drugs.

Treadmills Are for Traitors

These youngsters need to understand that pro wrestling isn’t about cool moves and compelling storytelling. It’s about getting gassed up to the gills at the gym, proving your toughness by getting into bar fights with Marks, bagging ring rats like you’re the Pied freaking Roddy Piper, and rest holds. So, so many rest holds. Why? Because cardio is for commies. And not the Western European workers pretending to be Reds for heel heat. I mean real Russkies.

[irp]Wrestlers are supposed to look like men. Cigar-chomping, red-meat-inhaling, beer-guzzling, never-shows-up-to-your-little-league-game-no-matter-how-many-times-they-promised-they-would men. I foolishly got my hopes up when I heard AEW was gonna be on TNT, because back in my day “TNT” was a mixture of HGH and paprika.

The Young Bucks Ain’t Never Fucked

Just look at their roster. Cody? He’s still only on his first marriage! The Young Bucks? It looks like their mommy still packs their lunch. Chris Jericho? You know something … now there’s an old-school champion! Almost 50, shaped like a barrel of peanuts, and a head of wispy hair like a cockatoo.

There may be hope for these video-game playing dorks yet. They just need to stack their roster with men like their inaugural champ. And what better man like that is there than old “Sheet Metal” Barry Bicep? I can still go and I’m ready to get to work cleaning up this pansy organization of yours, Tony Khan. Give me a call tomorrow between two and three P.M. That’s when I’ll be waiting by the payphone I use to wire child support to my 11 ex-wives.

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