The Bunny Ears Guide to Living Out of Your Luxury Car
I’ve been to the bottom, man. Last night was the fourth straight evening I spent catching z’s in my vehicle. Granted, it’s happened to the best of us, especially us common folk who refuse handouts and breadcrumbs from the 1%. But it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’ve turned your Lamborghini Huracan Spyder into a home away from home.
Sure, I may be sacrificing good slumber for the foreseeable future, despite the unbridled comfort of my reclining, body-contouring seats, but sacrifice is required to make a statement of independence. I would rather risk my physical and mental wellness by living out the rest of my days in my Lambo than spend another minute in the safety of my parents’ house.
Don’t think I’m joking around, either: The danger is real, as I can come under harassment or physical provocation from any number of my father’s live-in waitstaff whilst exposed in this breathtaking automobile. God forbid anyone gets past the guard tower, the reinforced steel gate, and the garage security system, or I could somewhat easily wind up in the trunk with my throat cut.
Living out of a car does have some perks, like being able to drive between the main house, the guest house, the second guest house, and the pool house in a matter of seconds. Plus, you can find roadside service for almost anything these days, as long as you’re within driving distance of the Chef’s Quarters or within screaming distance of your butler. In many ways, this lifestyle lets me return to the days when all you needed to feed your tribe was a spear, the cover of night, more than 500 horsepower under the hood, and access to a private kitchen staff.
Even if it’s only for a day or two so you can teach your mom a lesson for canceling your cricket coaching, living out of a car is much more burdensome than you might assume. There are no trash cans, shower curtains, or massage stations. You can’t even hit the automatic call button for your servants; you actually have to call them with your Bluetooth like a goddamn savage.
Hygiene is definitely a priority to consider, since there’s no shower that can fit a Lamborghini (car washes don’t count.) While you could ask the family handyman to install a shower system into your convertible, I know that’s not practical for the common man. So be sure you always have full buckets of soapy water in your trunk, as well as plenty of Evian bottles to wash it off of you. Anything less and you might as well jump into a septic tank.
Another major concern about living out of your car is your personal health. While installing a NordicTrac RW200 isn’t impossible, it might be your only option, as personal trainers are very reluctant to train you in the limited space of a recreational sports vehicle. But I don’t see obstacles, I see challenges, and if noted violent criminal Charles Bronson can keep a six-pack while in solitary confinement, I can turn my trunk into a claustrophobic fitness center.
I’ve even sacrificed my social life to live out of my car, perhaps the greatest compromise of all. No more day trips to Mar-a-Lago, cocaine binges in West Hollywood, or high-stakes gambling in Casino Monte Carlo. Instead, I’ve given my soul some much-needed fresh air by paying others to enjoy these things, captured by a full documentary film crew for me to experience secondhand. After all, my father didn’t pay hundreds of dollars to mount state-of-the-art virtual reality goggles onto the steering console for them to just gather dust. The car basically drives itself anyway.
Would I call myself a modern-day Mother Theresa, changing how the world looks at living in a car? I wouldn’t go that far, though I wouldn’t turn down the compliment if someone at, say, Time Magazine or Forbes took notice. But I am willing to say that, by living in my car, I am better than everyone who doesn’t live in their car, and I’m also a stronger person with better willpower and core strength. If you think otherwise, try living out of your car, hombre. You couldn’t drive a mile in my Jordan 3 Retro DJ Khaled Gratefuls.