Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide, our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is.
This week we’ll be taking you through:
The Beginner’s Guide To Using Your Three Magic Wishes
First off, CONGRATULATIONS! As much as the media wants you to believe that genies are silly and mischievous, the truth is that genies are a real motherfucker to put up with. They really try to dissuade you from taking advantage of what’s rightfully yours, that being your newly-acquired three wishes. So now that the genie is back in the lamp and you’ve got the universe at your fingertips, I believe that you should soak this moment in, reflect on what you really want, and make your choices wisely.
Whoa, hold up, wait just a second. I know there’s some stuff you’ve probably wanted for your whole life, waiting for this unrealistic opportunity so that you can wish for true love or a money tree or a tree house in your money tree where you can have loud sex with your true love.
But you might want to pump the brakes, open your ears, and maybe take a second to think about being a little selfless with your wishes. Sure, you can always do good and end world hunger or war, but what about the little people, specifically one little person who may or may not be writing this article right now?
Before shooting your proverbial wad on fantastic wishes that will allow you to do the impossible or force someone to tell the truth about where your relationship is going, maybe take a breath and think about the practical things you can do with your wishes? For instance, obesity is an epidemic in the world right now, and so many of us find it hard to lose the weight, let alone keep it off.
By using your first week to cure obesity, think about all the people out there who can better contribute to society by no longer needing to exercise or watch what they eat? Then think about those of us who would one day wake up at their fittest shape in years, and, sure, yeah, that could theoretically and conveniently apply to me as well.
Now, there’s always the obvious wishes you could apply for wish numero dos, like wishing for a cure for AIDS or cancer. You could always think outside the box with your service to mankind, too; maybe it’s about time that we get rid of those spiders from Brazil that make your dick so hard that your heart stops.
You can even wish for some random nonsense if you want the weight of the world off your shoulders; you can wish to write for Bunny Ears, if you’d like (although I wouldn’t recommend it. WE’RE LOCKED IN THE OFFICES SEND HELP.)
But I’ve seen all four Wishmaster movies, and if they taught me anything about wishes, it’s that they often come with some stupid fucking ironic price. So if that’s the case, why not set your second wish towards something with lower stakes? Society would be better off without pizza grease heartburn, for example. Just an example. Maybe cure that, or erectile dysfunction.
Hm? I didn’t bring up erectile dysfunction. YOU brought up erectile dysfunction. Listen, I think we should stop arguing about who said what about erectile dysfunction and use that second wish of yours to cure erectile dysfunction. It’s the only way to be sure.
Now, you’re down to your third wish, and we all know what that means: you’re gonna ask for a billion dollars. We could sit here and pretend you’d use it to give wealth to charities or dismantle brutal dictatorships around the globe. But if we’re being honest here, we want that billion, baby, and there’s nothing I can say to change your mind.
But you know what’s better than a billion dollars? TWO billion dollars. Yeah, you didn’t think of that, did you? So how about you wish for two billion dollars, and then maybe we can split it 60/40. I mean, two billion dollars was my idea, and I should be compensated for my intellectual property. I mean, I gave you all this free wish advice, totally for free, and all I’m asking for is a little less than a billion dollars in return.
Fine, go ahead. Don’t pay me for my ideas. But I swear, if you wish for two billion dollars, I will see your wish-making ass in court. Try explaining this shit to a civil court judge, you stingy shithead!