What To Wear To God’s Funeral
As we all know, God is dead, and as his creations, we must attend his funeral. And while it’s never easy to pick out something to wear to any funeral, it will be especially difficult in this case, as our Lord and Creator has never died before. That being said, there could be nothing worse than showing up to God’s funeral wearing something that would upset Jesus the Christ, who’s back on Earth now because he doesn’t know what else to do. So we’ve put together a few tips that may help you when choosing an outfit. Ultimately, though, we don’t know the answer. No one does. All may be lost.
Wear Black. Or Don’t? Who Knows
Before God died, we could always play our funeral fashion choices safe by just wearing black. But now, for all we know, wearing black could be a grave sin. No one knows what’s a sin anymore, or who’s deciding what will send humans to Heaven and what will send them to Hell. Chaos reigns supreme.
Accept That You’ll be Underdressed
A good rule of thumb for funerals is that it’s better to be overdressed than underdressed, but unfortunately, this will be impossible at God’s funeral. There will be literal angels present, and—as we all know—they are but ephemeral shapes made up of intelligence and feeling. This also means they have the ability to present themselves as perfect in the eye of each individual beholder—meaning no matter what, you will not look as good as them. Like, not even close.
The Location of the Memorial Service Won’t Make Anything Clearer
Some people choose to have their memorial take place on a beach so their ashes can be scattered into the sea, and that usually allows for a more casual aesthetic. Others prefer a more traditional setting, like a church or synagogue, which indicates something more formal. God wants his at Stonehenge, and honestly … we have no fucking idea.
The good news is God is—I’m sorry, was—an all-powerful being whose consciousness existed on a higher plane than any of us could ever comprehend. There’s a good chance he neither knew nor cared about fashion. That means that maybe you don’t need to stress about what to wear.
In fact, you don’t need to stress about anything any more. God is dead and a beast with many backs has risen from the ground in the American Southwest. Nothing matters, so fuck it. Rock socks with sandals for all anyone cares.