How To Politely Decline An Invite To Your Dork Nephew’s ‘Warcraft’ Wedding

Video games aren’t just for dorks anymore, but that doesn’t mean you have to participate in any of it. That goes double for your dork nephew’s destination wedding that he’s having in World of Warcraft, like that makes any fucking sense. People used to go to classy places like Honolulu or Niagara Falls for a destination wedding. Now, this bespectacled dweeb is making you buy a video game that the wedding is happening inside of to watch him marry an orc or whatever. Obviously, you will not be attending. So here’s how to politely decline your nephew’s Warcraft wedding invite without breaking his dorky little heart.

Decline with a Letter Written in Stupid Medieval Nerd-Speak

All those fantasy things have everybody talking like, “come hither, wizard” and “thou art a mage, good sir.” There’s only so much of that stuff a person can take, but this is for your sister’s middle son, and sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Write him a letter filled with “shants,” “narys,” and “thys” politely declining his invite to the video-game wedding. Dorks like him eat that shit up. Or, rather, they “merrily sup upon verbal excrement most fantastical.”

Say Your Ping Is Low or Something

Something gamers complain about a lot is “having bad ping.” While we’re not sure what that means, we know it’s mostly used in the context of not being able to game properly. So consider telling your nephew that you’ve “run out of ping,” or perhaps, “Those darned other gamers have gone and gobbled up all the ping.” He’ll get it.

Say You’re Attending Another Wedding in Final Fantasy XIV

It’s video-game wedding season, which means it’s a busy time of year for young lovers looking to get hitched in their favorite waste of time. Saying you’re attending another wedding in Final Fantasy XIV on the same day is a perfectly valid excuse. You can even texture the lie by mentioning that FFXIV has a built-in marriage system called a Ceremony of Eternal Bonding that lets players wed one another. It’s not your fault that you know a lot of nerds.

Just Don’t Show Up and Say You Were the Stupid Little Gnome in the Back Holding a Hammer

Don’t overthink it. Just don’t show up to the Warcraft wedding and say you were there. Tell him you were the gnome with the hammer in the back. Or the elf with the daggers. Or … the green dude. It’s a calculated risk, sure, but it could save you 15 whole minutes of agony plus the cost of the game.