Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex With Me?

If you’ve been paying attention to the news, you’ve probably seen the alarming headlines about Millennials: They’re addicted to their phones, they spend less money, and they have less sex. No one can explain why any of these things are happening. After my own life became affected by these trends, I decided to investigate. You see, I’ve always been the “hot mom.” When my son was in high school, his friends loved to come to our house so they could watch me sunbathe nude, which I always “happened” to be doing when they were over. Once he got to college, I gained access to a slew of barely legal man meat to sink my teeth into. Fast forward a few years, and suddenly, they seem to have no interest in having sex with me … and presumably with anyone. I needed to get to the bottom of this disturbing trend.

When I asked my son’s friends why they’re so uninterested in sex, they seemed confused. They also seemed uncomfortable and turned back to the basement TV screen, where they were previously engrossed in some sort of video game car chase. After much prodding, proffering of my journalistic credentials, and assurance that this was a safe space, they insisted that their sex lives are fairly normal, all things considered. Convinced that these poor dears must be under the impression that rampant masturbation in front of the warm glow of their laptop screens constitutes a healthy sex life, I asked what they considered “normal.”

“Mom, we all appreciate you letting us come over to use the PlayStation, but we’d kind of like to hang out by ourselves if that’s okay,” my ungrateful son interjected. I quelled my rage, forced a smile, and again reminded him that my job is what bought that PlayStation, and if he wants to use it, he should be happy to let me ask all the questions I see fit.

 “Well, personally, it waxes and wanes depending on whether or not I have a girlfriend,” Keith finally spoke up, to the apparent relief of the group, “but I’d say I have sex an average of once a week or so.”

Shocked by this blatant lie, I decided to take a breather. I went down to the supermarket and returned with beer and Doritos, hoping this would help the boys loosen up so that they would have sex with m—be honest with me. I meant to say “be honest with me.”

It Worked Like a Charm

Though my son retreated to his room with complaints that he “can’t deal with this anymore,” his friends soon relaxed enough to go into detail about their sex lives with me, an almost stranger who gave birth to their good friend. When confronted with the obvious contradiction of their “normal sex lives” and the lack of hot young dick currently inside of me, they explained that they usually have sex with their partners or other women from their school.

I have to admit, this visibly shook me, and most of the boys left after I started crying. Only Keith stayed behind. “Listen, Jake’s mom, you’re a very attractive woman for your age,” he said, awkwardly stroking my shoulder from a full couch cushion away. “I just don’t think of you like that. Now how about some of those famous peanut butter cookies?”

I know he was just trying to distract me, but I will not be denied the co-ed cock that is my birthright (due to birthing a son). However, when I come back downstairs to inform him that he needed to fish those cookies out of my panties, he was gone.

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