Macaulay Culkin Responds To Your Fan Mail
Hello everyone. World-famous actor and legendary human being Macaulay Culkin here. Now, most of you have been admiring me from afar for several decades, and let me be the first to say thank you, I’m flattered. But let me also be the first to say that after years of near-Biblical fame and adulation, I’m ready to close that distance between us. It isn’t going to happen overnight; the space between us is vast, a long golden road paved with status and victory. It will take thousands of steps to bridge that gap. And the first step is this – take that “Macaulay” nonsense and throw it right on out the door. My friends call me Mack, and now you do, too. Or “Mr. Culkin.”
Hey. Dry your eyes. No need to go to pieces over my generosity just yet; that was merely the first of many gifts I’m going to give to you, my new friends. In the spirit of crossing those many thousand steps that separate us, I’m going to dedicate this space to reading letters from you, the writhing sea of adoring fans who have given me so much, and responding to them personally. Oh stop, now you’re going to get me crying.
This week I’m responding to a note from Cindy of Silver Springs, Maryland, who writes:
I’ve just relocated to a new city for a job, and I’m very depressed. I had to leave my friends and family behind, and I’m all alone in an unfamiliar place. Should I say “damn the job” and go be with the people I love, or should I try and make the best of a difficult situation?
First of all, Cindy, thank you for your note. I’m moved beyond words that you would write to me for advice before asking the friends and family you abandoned. I totally understand your fear of moving to a new city and finding yourself all alone in a strange new place. It’s a lot like the time I found myself unexpectedly transported into a multiverse of thrilling literary worlds after passing out in a library. I didn’t know what to do, or who to turn to, or if I’d ever see my family again. I didn’t have to worry so much about the “friends” part because I’m pretty sure I was a nerd. Or maybe I was an orphan. Anyway, I seem to remember wearing glasses.
I’m not going to lie to you, Cindy – it was a tough time for me. There were moments when I doubted my courage, and when I wished I could just give up. But I didn’t. Do you know why? Because I made new friends. The razor-witted but kindly Fantasy, the hideous but loveable Horror, and Patrick Stewart. When the time finally came for me to return home, I didn’t want to leave them. Do you see what I’m getting at? Your own magical world could be out there waiting for you, but you’ll never know if you’re too afraid to go looking for it. Although what kind of job has you relocate to Silver Springs, Maryland? Some sort of distribution warehouse? Shit, maybe you should move back home.
Sadly, I have to go for now. But be sure to check this space regularly, as I will continue to respond to your letters when I have the time. So don’t be shy! Send me your thoughts, comments, and questions, and I promise that there is a definite possibility I will actually read them.
Your new friend,
Dictated into my Apple Watch while parasailing across the Equator. Transcribed with painstaking precision by Tom Reimann.