Macaulay Culkin Responds To Your Fan Mail

April 3, 2018 by
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Hello everyone. World-famous actor and legendary human being Macaulay Culkin here. Now, most of you have been admiring me from afar for several decades, and let me be the first to say thank you, I’m flattered. But let me also be the first to say that after years of near-Biblical fame and adulation, I’m ready to close that distance between us. It isn’t going to happen overnight; the space between us is vast, a long golden road paved with status and victory. It will take thousands of steps to bridge that gap. And the first step is this – take that “Macaulay” nonsense and throw it right on out the door. My friends call me Mack, and now you do, too. Or “Mr. Culkin.”

Hey. Dry your eyes. No need to go to pieces over my generosity just yet; that was merely the first of many gifts I’m going to give to you, my new friends. In the spirit of crossing those many thousand steps that separate us, I’m going to dedicate this space to reading letters from you, the writhing sea of adoring fans who have given me so much, and responding to them personally. Oh stop, now you’re going to get me crying.

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This week I’m responding to a note from Cindy of Silver Springs, Maryland, who writes:

Dear Mack,
I’ve just relocated to a new city for a job, and I’m very depressed. I had to leave my friends and family behind, and I’m all alone in an unfamiliar place. Should I say “damn the job” and go be with the people I love, or should I try and make the best of a difficult situation?

First of all, Cindy, thank you for your note. I’m moved beyond words that you would write to me for advice before asking the friends and family you abandoned. I totally understand your fear of moving to a new city and finding yourself all alone in a strange new place. It’s a lot like the time I found myself unexpectedly transported into a multiverse of thrilling literary worlds after passing out in a library. I didn’t know what to do, or who to turn to, or if I’d ever see my family again. I didn’t have to worry so much about the “friends” part because I’m pretty sure I was a nerd. Or maybe I was an orphan. Anyway, I seem to remember wearing glasses.

I’m not going to lie to you, Cindy – it was a tough time for me. There were moments when I doubted my courage, and when I wished I could just give up. But I didn’t. Do you know why? Because I made new friends. The razor-witted but kindly Fantasy, the hideous but loveable Horror, and Patrick Stewart. When the time finally came for me to return home, I didn’t want to leave them. Do you see what I’m getting at? Your own magical world could be out there waiting for you, but you’ll never know if you’re too afraid to go looking for it. Although what kind of job has you relocate to Silver Springs, Maryland? Some sort of distribution warehouse? Shit, maybe you should move back home.

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Sadly, I have to go for now. But be sure to check this space regularly, as I will continue to respond to your letters when I have the time. So don’t be shy! Send me your thoughts, comments, and questions, and I promise that there is a definite possibility I will actually read them.

Your new friend,
Mack

Dictated into my Apple Watch while parasailing across the Equator. Transcribed with painstaking precision by Tom Reimann


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77 Comments

  1. This Universe finally feels so right, and if rubbing you is right, I don’t wanna be dong. I’ll never sit on this toilet the same. Bless you my sage.

  2. Dear Uncle Mack,

    (And I call you that because you make me feel safe-like family,)

    I am autistic, epileptic, and schizophrenic- I cannot go anywhere without the aid of a stuffed Opus doll or “Happy the Horse” (actually an alicorn) doll as emotional support. This prevents me from getting an actual job, but I do want to be a puppeteer with all my stuffed animals. The people I want to work for, I can’t apply to. The people that might PAY ME, won’t hire me unless I lose my service animals. HELP!!

  3. Hey there! I started a Positivity Group/Mental Health Initatitive called 80s Summer Camp and we work to add more positivity to the world by promoting creativity, face to face interaction, equality and a return to old school grass roots type activities. I have been selling TShirts and using the money to buy more tshirts to give away to more people to include as many people in the group as I can. Lately I have been sending them out to notable people such as yourself in the hopes that they snap a pic in it and either post or send to me to post to social media. I have been focusing on Canadians so far but would love to send you a shirt as well because I think you’re awesome and your unique insights on many things fit the sort of ideals that are the essence of 80s Summer Camp. You project “fun” and that’s AweSum! My email [email protected] if you would like a shirt and to help out please email me and I will send ya one right away. My efforts have been on national news all over Canada and in over 40 online, radio and web based publications and we are just getting started. The fun part is, even if it do not wish to wear the shirt for a pic I would love to send one anyway because like I said, I think you’re AweSum! Thanks
    Keith

  4. Hey Mack
    I’ve got a bit of a dilemma that I’m dealing with right now: I found out that my Dad has been seeing a woman on the low for several months (I have evidence). My parents are married, but they are going to move apart over the summer. Should I tell my Mom that found out about the affair? Should I tell my Dad that I know about it first? Or should I contact the woman that he has been seeing?
    I am scared to tell my Mom, because she does not know anyone else than me and my Dad where we live. I don’t want to take one of the 2 people that she can talk to away.

    1. Shit. I’m not Mack, but the answer here is obviously THC and/or lots of alcohol, followed by ghosting every one ever. My answer to all things.

  5. Your advice is poetic and deep. There is no doubt in my mind that what’s-her-name’s pain is eased and her confusion settled. Having read this, I’m off to the Library myself. Tots and Pears.

  6. I’ve had a crush on you since I was 5 and I just know find out you go by Mack. This changes things, I have a lot of editing in my journal to take care of. Take care- Al

  7. Im going to keep asking the same question until you answer it.
    Do you hate the mention of Home Alone? Are you sorry you did it? Are the rumors true that you never wanted to do it? Do you wish it would just go away?
    How come you never act anymore? Do you enjoy being unemployed?

  8. Hey Mack,

    What’s the wildest premonition you’ve ever had? How would you explain that sort of experience?

    -Daniel

  9. Hey Mack.
    There is a wrestling convention coming in PA for 1 day only on a Saturday that I would love you to be part of please. Alot of wrestling legends will be there and I know your a huge Wrestling fan. It would mean alot to me and your fans. Please. You will keep all money made for photo opps and autographs. Please let me know and what’s Icons of Wrestling going to do brother when Culkamania runs wild on you.

  10. You are absolutely amazing, I love this site. The humor is impeccable thank you Mack for the continuous laughs.

  11. Hi, um Mack. First of all it’s been an amazing 100 days of being your fan, (i watched home alone on dec 22 2017) and it had thought me so much. Every week I focused on reading your articles, watching your movies, interviews, listening to your podcasts, basically everything to know who ‘Mack’ is. But I know that you’ve been handling the media, or peer pressure since you’re little, and I hope that now, you can open up with your fans through this website (which is hilarious btw) and your podcasts and just express yourself

    Love, the usually not cringey fangirl

  12. Dear Mack, Hi I’m Athena and I’m and identical twin. I’ve been suffering depression since I was 15. I’m now in my 40’s. I had a very difficult year last year and this year I had to have 2 biopsys in a row. It’s Spring now and thankfully both were normal. I’m praying the rest of the year will be better. My question is do you have any advice on how I can get through the rest of the year with positive thoughts and knowledge from your life experiences. Thank you Mack great big Bunny Ears Hugs Athena

  13. I’m going to write to you one day, one day when you’ll least expect it. One day when I’ll least expect to. And I’ll tell you about a dream I had one time, that may or may not involve you, I don’t know, it’s a mystery, I’ve always wondered who the hell that was, it looked like you. In any case, I probably will never get around to writing you. I always imagined writing to you, before this existed when your hair was still long and unruly, and becoming your pen pal, but those aren’t a thing anymore are they? I purchased Pagemaster on DVD a few years back, not because of you, I forgot that was you, but because of some sentimental shit about my crappy childhood. So thanks, Mack, thanks for existing.

  14. Dear Mr. Culkin,

    My name is Jenna and i am a 32 year old Dane who lives a pretty ordinary life in an extraordinary world. Before I saw the Ellen Show Bunny Ears presentation I knew you from your childhood acting (I watch Home alone I+II every christmas) and some rumours about you taking drugs, I don’t even know. I just felt bad for you, that something was so horrible that you might have had to escape that way and a bit sad that I probably would not get to see you in future block buster movies because I really liked your acting. That must have been 15 years ago! I am happy to see that you are all grown up now and are directing your life towards your goals. Today I have watched you “paint” your Bunny Ears logo to some very excentric music and settings, almost to the extent that it becomes symbolic. Was it intentional that the mannequin has her left arm raised (mirrored) and no head, or that your paint was placed on a chair, or that the music was about violation and distortion of freedom in the name of lust or desire, and the fact that you were painting directly onto the wall which seemed to have been tainted sporadically with paint somehow? The side of the wall that faces the window is untainted and it is separated by the sockets in the wall… If I have learned anything about interpreting classical paintings, and I have, you meant something more than just what you did. The simplicity of what you did and the complexity of the symbols’ interconnection… We all know what bunny ears used to symbolize, but you changed that with your child like performance; The way the ears are painted is child-like, innocent, rudimentary. I think that you are healing something, liberating concepts, making something right again and that you are doing it on a subconscious level. I tend to over-think things, but you seem like the poetic type who also over-thinks things, so I am not writing it off altogether. Anyways, this fun website is a great initiative. I laughed at every article (great team of writers, they are SO original and fun!!!) and everything you have personally written tells me that you are trying to create joy and to make people think, which is really admirable. With me, you and your team have succeeded, and I feel strengthened by your sincere offer of spiritual friendship. Distance is no foe to the light. Only time, since every beginning has an end. It is never too soon to try to create a collective conciousness that is based on love and understanding. Spiritual leaders can perform miracles by harmonizing peoples’ perceptions. Harmonized people do not spend their time with conflicts and focus their energy on improving quality of life. Am I over-thinking this? You could become an excellent spritual leader because your child form is ingrained in almost everyone. Very few people have this opportunity, you could travel the world with full access and combine the spiritual treassures from the major religions and harmonize them into one. Last but not least: Thank you for putting all of this together for us to enjoy Mr. Culkin. I look forward to receiving more joy and perplexion here at bunnyears.com.

    Kind regards from Mrs. Carlsson

    1. “I tend to over-think things”.

      Now, tell me… why would you say that? I certainly did not get that idea at all.

  15. You said they are moving apart over the summer? I feel like that means maybe your mom already knows?
    Also if you COULD call this homewrecker, I totally would. And start that phone call with “WHADDUP BITCH?!” rather than hello.

  16. I am so excite! I always knew you were an actual decent person! Thanks so much much for coming into the wide world of the Interweb!! Gosh, I wanted to let go of the idea of you being awesome in real life, I was hoping you’d be a big jerk are I could stop likin’ ya, but all along I had a sneaky feeling that you were thoughtful, kind and maybe even down to earth- and damnit it seems like it might be true?! Hehehee 😊 from one little cog of the huddled masses, to you I say, Don’t ever change Mack! Xoxo 😋😆😎💩💓🎵 -Constance (connie) Smith

  17. You were my first crush ever growing up we are simpler in age but I don’t want to be that creepy stalker or like everyone else that bugs you about putting your hands on your cheek. If you’d have been given a dollar every time you’d have 1000000 billions of dollars not just a couple .. lol sorry my point I love your whole sprit of life good luck

  18. I just caught the first episode of the podcast. I really enjoy it — it feels honest and so feels like you are really learning something about a couple people. Really enjoy you guys talking about what you are passionate about (even if not an interest of mine, it is interesting for people to be open about what they are excited about). Hope you will continue to share all that and all the best. I appreciate the show.

  19. Heya Mackey,
    I’ve wanted to write to you for literally my entire life because usually your name comes up everytime I introduce myself to people. My last name is Pesci……which most usually warrants a Good Fellas reference from those over the age of 35. But with most people born after 1990 it goes something like “Pesci…. like Joe Pesci…. the robber from that Xmas movie. Please tell me you know Macauley Culkin.” Much to there disappointment I have to always say know. But hopefully if this letter makes its way to you. I maybe able to give a better answer next time. Xxxxx A-J

  20. Dear Mack, i’m a normal person, from Brazil. I wanna ask you something. Do you ever heard about that country? If you don’t, no problem. Also, i have an Instagram account and Twitter, and i’m also following you. You know, since i heard about that you’re doing “Bunny Ears”, it was sounding like it is very awesome. It makes me feeling like a Warren member too! Please love our country, buddy! Respond my question about Brazil!

  21. Dear Mack, i’m a normal person, from Brazil. I wanna ask you something. Do you ever heard about that country? If you don’t, no problem. Anyways, i’m really loving your podcast, and since i was hearing that you’re doing an episode of it, it makes me feel great. I mean, you’re just “on air”, right? Okay, don’t forget to say that to Matt. Here’s another question that i wanna say to you: Are you still afraid of Joe Pesci? You know, the guy that was in “Home Alone” and accidentally bit one of your fingers. Hope that scar isn’t in your finger anymore, because you’re 37. Anyways, don’t forget to respond my questions and leave a hug to Brazil! Love your podcast! Your new friend, Jean.

  22. Dear Mack,

    I also feel that I’ve been admiring you over several decades, as you say. But when I examine it, I realize that I’ve admired your characters and those institutions you helped fashion and that were so influential in my life. And now I am left wondering, how are you? I would love to know that if regardless of the years of media and gossip concerning your life and work, that you are here and in a good place? That you are happy? I don’t care how you define it.

    Thanks and here’s hoping that you’re grand.

    Digo

  23. Good conversation on Joe Rogan’s podcast. Just two guys shooting the breeze. Thought I would check out your site, and..uh..I don’t get it. Hey, but don’t mind me. My sense of humor never evolved past ‘pull my finger’. –you know though, I was thinking maybe you should do something like that here. You run with the interesting people….get them on and talk philosophy, meaning of life n’ shit. The extended dialogue is where it’s at now days…much better than a 3 minute soundbite on Entertainment Tonight. Yeah man, you probably know people from all over the world, artists, thinkers, shakers and movers, ..people I would never be exposed to in my hillbilly hideaway. Think it over, man. You could figure out what the world is all about with the coolest people on the planet.

  24. Mack,

    I just listened to you on Joe Rogans podcast and was laughing the whole time. When you were talking about the manican parts you collect i lost it haha. Can we be friends?

    Great to hear you are doing well, cant wait to dive into your podcast.

  25. Macaulay, I’d like to mail you a product that I created that you might find a lot of humor in. It gives guys the opportunity to un-hook a girls bra. I figured if you find humor and value in it, maybe you can incorporate it in a podcast. If not, you can toss it in the trash or gift it as a gag-gift. Either way, I promise to not hound you about it. I’d just appreciate it if you checked it out.

    Thank you!

  26. HI,MACAULAY CULKIN! THIS IS ANTE. I JUST WANT TO SAY I AM WATCHING ALWAYS HOME ALONE .YOU ARE THE BEST GOOD LUCK

  27. Hi Kevin… 😘 Just a joke I mean Mac. I would like to ask you if it’s possible enjoy you @christmas for example in Germany Magdeburg @ the grüne Zitadelle from the architecture Hundertwasser. You can play the Santa claus

  28. Had the pleasure of seeing Macauley Culkins first live podcast in Chicago yesterday it was a pleasure seeing the performance. Wished Macauley could have took time for fans yesterday waiting for him I came over 2 hours to see him and hopefully get a photo signed. This didnt happen which came to a big dissapointment. Missed out even the signed prints that were at the table wished they had more available since he couldnt stop for fans. His work is a big part of my life it would mean the world to me if he could let me send in a photo to get signed or send me a complimentary signed print from the booth. This would truly mean the world to me havent had much good luck past few months. Wish Mack a happy belated bday and help make this happen. Sincerely, Josh Eddings

  29. Hi Mack,

    My name is Laura Malligan, I’m 23 years of age, I live in Port Macquarie (4hours north of Sydney) in the state of New South Wales in Australia.

    I’ve been one of your biggest fans since I was eight, when I first watched both Home Alone 1 and 2 -you’ve been my absolute favourite actor ever since. The movies that you’ve acted in that I love are:
    Home Alone 2, My Girl, Richie Rich, Saved!, The Pagemaster, and See you in the Morning.
    I think you acted very well as ‘Thomas J’ in My Girl as it was about the special friendship you shared with Vada (Anna Chlumsky). I also how in the movie ‘Saved!’ acting as ‘Roland’ (Hillary Faye’s brother), Roland was very supportive. I also love you as Richard Tyler in The Pagemaster and as the richest kid in the world, ‘Richie Rich.’

    I’ve had two USA holidays one on the west coast of the USA (Los Angeles and San Diego) in April 2011 and the other on the east coast of the USA (New York, Washington D.C. and Orlando, Florida) in April 2013.

    I work as a Primary School Library Assistant, I love working with Primary School Children and Teachers, helping find and borrow all their books. I also have a very mild case of Cerebral Palsy affecting my right arm and both legs, I’ve had a lot of surgery on my leg and hip throughout my childhood so I can walk and run really really well and do everything as abled-bodied as anyone else.

    I recently saw an interview of you on the ‘Ellen Show’ on You Tube, your such a beautiful, kind, genuine, positive, happy and energetic man, (you haven’t changed at all from when you were a teenager) -you’ll always be my favourite actor and celebrity.

    I’d always love to receive an email personally from you, Mack. If you don’t mind, I’d love a signed autograph photo emailed, that would mean sooooooooooooooo much to me -I’ll treasure that forever!
    I’d always love a message personally from you, Mack!

    From Laura Malligan

  30. Hey Mack,

    I just got my furst job at pizza hut in Bellflower, CA. I love my job but my manager makes cracks at my weight issue. I made a wish that you showed up at my job and then told my manager to lay off. I can probably sneak you a free slice of cheese pizza if you make it down here on a Sunday between 1 and 3 PM. Thanks a lot, and I love Richie Rich.

    Sincerely,

    Bazzle Garcia

  31. Hey Mack bro I have been checking out your pod cast and I get where your coming from especially the first two on the first episode of bunny ears. I’d definitely like to talk more and hear more. I hope this makes its way to you.

  32. just knowing you are still alive gets me emotional…. check out Ultrasyd, please. He is my favorite and you

  33. Hey Mack,

    I’m an artist from Marshalltown Iowa. I was wanting to know, if you mind in me sending a painting to you, as a gift , this Christmas and New years. I was hoping to send it through the mail.

    From an artist to another,

    David R.L.

  34. Hello there superstar. How do we invite you to our underground comic con for alternative nerds in Stockholm Sweden spring 2019?

  35. Hi, Macauley. Watching Home Alone series with our son. Just want you to know I am praying for you and God still has a work for you to do. May you know His Peace this Christmas. Thank you for your sacrifices as a child that are still so precious to so many people today…but the best is yet to come for you! In Jesus’ Name.

  36. Dear Mr. Culkin,

    I like Home Alone and Home Alone 2 Lost in New York. You are a great actor. I’m your biggest fan! I want to be an actor just like you.
    P.S. When is that other Home Alone? Merry Christmas!

    Colin Francis

  37. Hi, Mack. I’m from Perú. I just wanted to send you my family’s greetings. Have a very Happy New Year. My best wishes ever. This year I’ve lost my baby first son and live’s been difficult and sad. Nothing is easy, but we are alive. I must be happy, at least try. Macksito, I know you’re a great man, enjoy life and keep working hard. Blessings and tons of love from this fan. Sincerely,

  38. Macaulay, thanks for beeing what u are.
    We saw ur eyes tonight. Understand the view in that.

    Feels like u.
    Andreas & Katja
    Germany
    Loveley greets to u
    Come on over 4 a coffee in Berlin.

  39. Hi Mack… Mr Culkin?
    I saw what you wanted to convey with your advise but I also laughed out loud 😂, I get your humor.
    Love the website, good job! You got a new reader!

  40. I love you Mack! When and if I ever have children (I’m 26 and a newlywed) I would like to have a son just like you.You are “Good to Go.” May God bless you my love.

  41. Hey Mack,

    How’s it goin’? Just listened to the Michael Rosenbaum podcast with you as the guest. You seem like a genuinely “neat” guy. (Friends episode reference- when Ross tells Bruce Willis that he too is a neat guy haha)! I think some of the photos on your page are pretty awesome and old school- like the type writer and the feather dip pen. Do you write with the dip pen or is that just a random photo you pulled from the internet? I’m actually super into fountain pens & wax seals. I guess you could call it a guilty pleasure. What are some of your guilty pleasures? Mayo on fries type of thing, haha! Sending letters through the mail old school style. I’m 29 but I guess you can call me old school! I heard you reference heath ledger on your podcast with Michael Rosenbaum and how it would have been cool to work with him. I was wondering if you are a superhero fan- movie and or comic book wise. If so, who would be your favorite superhero? I also heard you reference the office which is pretty cool. I just finished watching it for the first time a couple months ago! I gotta ask what your favorite food is just because of your pizza band. Pizza is definitely my fav food by far. I’m totally a 90’s kid in every way possible. Wondering what your favorite shows are now and were as a kid? If you ever would like a pen pal- shoot me over an e-mail & we can send letters via mail like old school friends!

    Your future pal,
    Cella

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