What’s It Going To Take To Get You Into A Hell In A Cell Today?

Hey there, folks! Wow, what a cute couple you two are. Are you looking to get into a new barbaric structure today? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Take a look at this here Hell in a Cell! Listen, this baby’s gonna go fast, so if I were you, I’d snatch it up as quick as you can.

This bad boy right here is 16 feet high and weighs over five tons. And I can tell you, having taken a Hell in a Cell out for a spin myself, you will love that steel fencing, whether you’re raking your opponent’s face back and forth across it or suplexing them into the steel off the apron.

Let me guess—you two are probably thinking about starting a family, right? What’s so great about the Hell in a Cell is that, unlike a regular steel cage, it’s nice and spacious. Plenty of room for any future little ones.

Question for you, sir: What’s your finishing move? A chokeslam? Perfect! You can chokeslam your neighbor right off the top of this here Hell in a Cell! That comes standard. Full disclosure: It’ll have to be more of a chokepush, but I promise you, this cell is guaranteed to get you a “HOLY SHIT” chant!

Listen, if you get this Hell in a Cell right here, right now, I’ll throw in some tables and steel chairs under the ring, free of charge. Oh, you want a barbed-wire-covered baseball bat? Well, I’ll have to ask my manager … aw heck, let’s do it! The barbed-wire bat’s included! (But just because I like ya.)

I Can See You’re Still Unsure

I get it—you don’t want to end up with a lemon. But folks, you’ve gotta trust me when I say these new Hell in a Cells have such a strong re-enforced roof that Mick Foley himself couldn’t break through ’em! Believe me, you’re not going to regret picking up this demonic cell.

Okay, I’m gonna level with you. I really need to move this Hell in a Cell. When I first started working here, I was selling Elimination Chambers like no one’s business. But when the Punjabi Prison models came in, my numbers tanked. I need this, okay? I really, really need this.

So what do you say? Want to help out a guy who’s just doing his best to keep his kids in thumbtacks and kendo sticks like any other dad? You will? Oh, that’s swell! Just swell! Believe me, you won’t regret it! I’ve got the contract right here. Let’s just have both you and your lovely wife sign right here, here, and—no! No, stop fighting! Just because this is a contract signing does not mean you have to fight!

IMAGES: Colorado Builder/ Wikimedia