Clear Out Your Chakras With This Powerful Soul Laxative
You probably detox your corporeal self by ingesting gallons of unpasteurized sea water vigorously and often. But your spirit requires cleansing, too. Old, filthy energy builds up in your chakras and clogs your soul’s sacred channels. This forms plaque known as “spirit sludge.” Left untreated, your soul will become a bloated, gassy mess. Even if your physical body is #flawless, your inner self may be flabby, pasty, and unlovable. Using this guide (and our modestly priced soul laxatives), you’ll learn how to give yourself a “spiritual enema.” Get ready to give your soul forceful, unrelenting diarrhea!
Step One: Stimulate Your Soul’s Bowels With Our Bunny Ears Singing Bowel Bowl ($200)
In order to coax negative energy out of your chakras in a chunky, liquid stream, you’ll need a singing bowl. Specifically one tuned to match the wavelength of your soul’s “chakraintestinal tract.” The chakraintestine moves energy along for processing, rendering it into a “Spirit Coin.” This is the currency of the soul.
Fun fact: If you unwound the chakraintestine and laid it on the ground, it would wrap around the earth a billion times!
Our “Bunny Ears Singing Bowel Bowl” ($200) has been carefully crafted to vibrate in tune with the chakraintestine. This causes it to jiggle and free up trapped toxicity. However, a word of warning: Off-brand singing bowls can vibrate out of sync with the chakra tract, causing what is known as a “sudden spirit prolapse” (SSP). This is a spiritual condition in which the chakraintestine slips outside of the spirit’s exit portal, or “soul hole.” SSP can only be reversed by forcing your soul back inside of itself. This can cause the serious side effect of spiraling self-introspection. Which in turn could lead to complete depersonalization and transcendence into a cloud of confused mist. So we strongly advise that you purchase the official “Bunny Ears Singing Bowel Bowl” ($200).
Step Two: Burn Our “Mack-Scented” Smudge Stick ($67)
You know how a good smoke can help you relax and finally get over that constipation? The same principle applies to burning our “Mack-Scented Smudge Stick” ($67). Except it doesn’t cause cancer.* Our “Mack-Scented Smudge Stick” ($67) is made up of 80% sage, 10% Mack, and 10% organic ammonium triglyceride sulfate-nitrate. And sometimes just a teensie smidge of weed killer.
Simply take in big whiffs of the sagey, Macky goodness, and feel the tense chambers of your spirit relax. That warming sensation you now feel is the swift unbridled flow of old, toxic energy flowing out of your body. If at any point you start to leak a reddish-brown substance from any of your orifices, contact poison control immediately. Then have a lawyer blame it on the indigenous cultures upon which our soul laxative has vaguely been based (pro tip).
*This statement has not been approved, or even reviewed, by the FDA. However, I asked my yoga instructor. He shrugged and said, “Sounds cool to me, my dude.”
Step Three: Spirit Prunes ($89)
Prunes are nature’s garbage collectors, rolling through your system and occasionally leaving behind a stray banana peel or juice box. Our chakra scientists have invented what we call the “Spirit Prune” ($89). This mystical soul laxative is created by chopping down a prune tree that contains the soul of a tormented dryad.
The dryad’s soul is harvested and placed in an industrial dehydrator, condensing the soul into a nugget of spiritual fiber. When ingested, the prune sweeps through your chakraintestinal tract like a DEA raid. It also tastes great in a chicken casserole.
Images: Pixabay/Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay
I like TOTALLY tried this and, like, OHMIGOD!!! It felt like my kundalini was, like, ripping me a new asshole – a SPIRITUAL asshole – and I was like SOOOOO present, just like vibrating and everything and like my soul lotus just BLOSSOMED and enveloped me in an INFINITE SEA of universal love juice. It was totally awesome, like MIND BLOWN, y’know.
Then I woke up in a pool of my own vomit. Like WOW!