Everything That’s Gonna Bite You On This Summer Hiking Trip
The skies are blue, the grass is dead, and it’s 97 degrees. What a perfect time to hit the trails for a summer hiking adventure with your best buds! Whether you’re trekking to a secret waterfall or traipsing along a magnificent mountaintop, true hikers know there’s only one certainty: Something’s gonna bite you. The only real question you need to ask is what, exactly, is biting you.
If your trip involves any sort of stream tromping, lake marching, or cascade viewing, your blood is sacrifice to that great buzzy god, Mosquitor. The good news is, thanks to climate change, only 70% of mosquitoes now carry deadly Zika or West Nile viruses. Think of it less as the annoying bug bites of your youth and more as a fun way to play Russian roulette.
Are you planning to ever sit down on this hiking trip? Cool! That’s when a snake will bite you. Snakes are wily and restless creatures, and they do not approve of you resting. It’s not that they’re monsters; they’re just all CrossFit instructors who have been cursed by witches but haven’t lost their drive to keep you moving. Okay, yes, they are monsters.
Some Random Toddler
We’re not sure what it is about the woods that makes parents allow their small children free rein, but we assume it’s a faint hope for kidnapping. Nevertheless, your hiking trip isn’t complete without a feral child chomping onto your shapely calf like it’s a turkey leg from the county fair. This wound is usually quickly followed by a harried adult panting “I’m so sorry! He just took off.” If they say this while expertly tying a tourniquet around your spouting femoral artery, assume this is a repeat offender and call the police.
A Sneaking Realization
Sure, it’s hot, miserable, and leads to thigh rashes, but at least you’ve gained something real and true: The reminder that hiking is absolutely terrible. We can’t wait for you to learn this lesson all over again next year!