The Hot New Fashion Trend of 2018 – Wearing The Flesh Of Your Enemies
We’re already several months into the new year, and odds are you’re still wearing the same dirty old wardrobe from 2017. Fearful of making some terrible error in fashion, you’re clinging to the dusty threads that by all rights should’ve been mothballed, or, better yet, burned, the instant the clock struck midnight on January 1st. It’s a completely understandable fear, and one that the very famous all share – the world looks to you for guidance in all things glamorous and stylish, and any misstep could throw millions of people into poorly-dressed disarray, as well as making you look like a gigantic dickhead. Not everyone can be a visionary trailblazer, but we have great news – this year, you can be.
That’s right, we’ve identified the fashion trend of 2018, and we’re sharing it with you today so you can get ahead of the curve and avoid becoming an also-ran at the style awards later this year. First, a quick question – what fashion accessory exudes power, prestige, respect, and total social dominance in any situation? The answer is probably staring you in the face, if you’re scrolling through the top-secret Facebook group to which all devastatingly famous people belong. Give up? Well here’s the answer – the number one fashion trend of 2018 is, without a doubt, wearing the flesh of your enemies.
Yes, decorating your body with the ornamental remains of those you have crushed, either in public with your rapier wit, or in private with the heavy iron skillet you purchased at a farmer’s market three years ago but have never actually cooked with, will be the bold cultural revolution people will be talking about on glossy music channel retrospective documentaries for years to come. Did you recently defeat your rival in the running for a part in Paul Thomas Anderson’s next film? What better way to celebrate your victory than a necklace made of their teeth? Perhaps you triumphed over a longtime nemesis in Entertainment Weekly’s Hot List? Show up to James Franco’s next premiere party wearing a stunning gown stitched from their tanned, leathery hide. Craft a jawbone iPhone case from the valet who lost your ticket at the pharmacy and made you drive home in rush hour traffic through Beverly Hills. Make a pair of boots from the fashion blogger who ridiculed your late-season velvet pants in 2016, with laces woven from the hair of the television writer who corrected your spelling on Twitter.
We know what you’re probably thinking. “This is a courageous but risky prediction. How can I be sure that I’ll be the spark that ignites the fire, rather than some idiot wearing human remains?” Trust us. Strut outside in a jangling tank top culled from the ribcage of your former agent, and by this time next year, Targets across America will be selling affordable bone shirt knockoffs for your adoring fans to purchase. Heroes are made, not born, and this is true in every arena of life, including the world of celebrity fashion. Keep this in mind as you’re playing jai alai with a paddle carved from the femur of the guy who keeps letting his dog shit on your guest house lawn, safe behind the rictus grin of the helmet you whittled from the skull of Peter Travers.