Do I Still Have To Have My Dick Out For Harambe?

June 22, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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Hey, so, this is kind of a weird question, but do I still have to have my dick out for Harambe? I’ve had it out all this time, but is that a thing we’re all still doing? Or did we accomplish … uh, whatever it was we were trying to accomplish?

It was awareness for animal welfare, right? Or was it a call for better safety standards in zoos, or more attentive parenting, or something else like that? I honestly can’t remember. Did we succeed? Is Harambe avenged? Or was it that kid who needed avenging? In which case, did we avenge him?

Did we complete the spiritual journey that Harambe’s death forced us to embark on, and in doing so, did we make the world a better place? Am I going to look like a tool if I wear my “Bush Did Harambe, Stay Woke, Fam” shirt to brunch tomorrow, or will it be topical? What should I be doing with my dick these days? Also, was “dick” literal or some kind of slang? I tried it both ways, and it never became obvious which was more effective.

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dicks out for harambe

I know with Cecil the lion, we were definitely pissed off at the hunter guy. I think he was a doctor? I remember leaving a bad review on his Yelp page where I called him ugly and implied that he molested his patients. Did that inspire massive reforms to the trophy hunting system? Does South Africa or wherever it was not allow visiting Americans to shoot animals anymore? Or did we just sort of fizzle out on that one? Let me know if I should go and leave another bad review, because I want to make a difference in the world.

And while we’re on the subject, whatever happened to that Kony dude? You know, that African warlord. Or was he Asian? No, African sounds right. Should I still be sharing that video about him while saying “So important” or “Take 10 minutes out of your day for this, you won’t regret it”? Did America catch him or kill him? When my friends say something like “I’m having such a huge problem with my landlord,” do I still need to cut them off and say “Actually, the real huge problem is that a child enslaving warlord is running rampant through Asia while we’re sitting here drinking elderflower mimosas! Get a goddamn sense of perspective!”? Because if I say that and it turns out that Kony was caught three years ago, I’m going to sound like an asshole.

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dicks out for harambe

I believe that it’s critically important to stay informed on world events, so please let me know what subjects I still need to get outraged about at brunch, especially as they relate to my possibly metaphorical dick. Post-brunch hot yoga is tough when you’re riled up, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make to accomplish whatever it is that we’re trying to do.


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