Sophisticated Gifts For Kids That Are Sure To Get Them Bullied
Are you tired of having to buy countless children’s gifts for birthdays, Christmases, bar and bat mitzvahs, fourth grade graduations and, of course, Columbus Day? Do your own children have too many demanding friends that are putting a dent in your bottom line? Reclaim your money by gifting your kids sophisticated products that guarantee they’ll get the shit kicked out of them at school! You’ll look like a parent with impeccable modern taste, but you’ll never have to put your skills to use because your child won’t have any friends left! Money saved, reputation secured, and parent-child bonding time earned. That’s what we call a win-win-win. So let’s get shopping!
Home Telegram Kit
You can’t tear kids away from their screens these days, but instant messaging is, let’s face it, so gauche. There’s no elegance in texting “Wanna play Fortnite?” No matter what your age. You’re not raising your child as a philistine, so don’t let them communicate like one. Instead, encourage them to communicate with bespoke notes printed specifically for the occasion at hand. A wide variety of typefaces and paper stock allow for endless creativity, and once a missive is complete it can be hand-delivered by either your child or a specially attired gentleman summoned through the kit’s companion app. Bring a fussy grace back to speaking with an ever-dwindling number of your child’s friends.
A telegram is all well and good for exchanging the news of the day, but their true purpose is in arranging a delightful social occasion. No elite child of yours would be caught dead romping around the backyard, getting mud all over their britches and scraping up the skin you just insisted they exfoliate—but play is still important for a little one’s development. An afternoon spent on the patio dabbling in backgammon or mahjong while observing the carefully cultivated garden will do your child wonders, but how will they stay comfortable and safe while they sip tea and nibble cucumber sandwiches? The solution, of course, is a designer parasol. Whether you select a tasteful paisley or a restrained striping, your child and their wee friends will be able to converse and recreate without fear of sunburn—and without the fear of an afternoon of leisure becoming a troublesomely endearing frolic.
Once you’ve alienated your child from their friends, you’ll need to ensure that they don’t make any new ones by isolating them from the rest of their peers. And there’s no better way to do that than with a tastefully restored antique valise (otherwise known as a book bag, if you’re feeling vulgar). Once used by high class travelers on the Orient Express, this valise will allow your child to tote their homework, lunch and other academic essentials to and from school in the height of style. Its many spacious yet easily accessible pockets will ensure that nothing crucial is lost like can so often happen in a cavernous contemporary backpack. Plus, the combination leather and tweed design that hearkens back to the glory days of locomotive travel will ensure all the other children will think your progeny looks like a dweeb. And would a dweeb’s parents buy good gifts? No they would not, so no birthday invite will be wasted on them.
Amateur Phrenology Kit
While a dashing valise should scare off most potential companions, there’s always the risk that the chess club or some science geeks could still reach out. Keep them at bay by encouraging your child to explore a subject that even the nerds will think is weird: phrenology! Sure, it was largely discredited well over a century ago, but that’s no need to ruin the fun of a child who’s happily playing with a craniometer and perusing beautifully rendered depictions of the human brain. A few curious onlookers may inquire about the practice, but once your child informs a girl that her low forehead makes her uneducated but highly prone to philoprogenitiveness, if you know what they mean, interest should quickly fade and your child will be fully ostracized. And then you’ll have the brain of a parent who’s thrilled to never again have to pay for an overpriced birthday present that some kid you barely know will outgrow in a month!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…