Tips For Growing An Organic, GMO-Free Garden In Your Family’s Pet Cemetery
What do both pets and GMO-free, organic vegetables have in common? They’re both the products of love. So what better way to pay respect to the pets you miss than to plant a produce garden in their name, right on top of their graves?
Here are six tips to get your love garden started!
1. Give your crops lots of care and attention
Your garden needs a calm, peaceful, and nurturing environment to grow (<:3). Along with good soil, fertilizer, sunshine, and water, you should also take the time each day to give your delicate nature babies some sweet affection and positive affirmation. Love will always triumph science.
2. MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT ANY AND ALL DECEASED PETS HAVEN’T COME BACK FROM THE DEAD
THIS IS NOT A JOKE THESE GHOSTS ARE HAUNTING MY GARDEN AND THEY WILL HAUNT YOUR ASS TOO! I SAW MY DEAD CAT MR. WHISKERS LAST NIGHT AROUND MIDNIGHT AND HE HAD BLAZING RED EYES AND LET OUT A DEEP LOVECRAFTIAN SCREECH AND STARTED RUNNING TOWARDS ME!
AGAIN, THIS IS NOT A JOKE. LOCK YOUR DOORS AND SLEEP WITH A CROSS AND HOLY WATER NEARBY.
3. Good vibes and garden Feng Shui
The way you arrange your darling little green tykes is just as important as caring for them. Everyone has their own preference when it comes to gardening, but we think it’s best to plant in the shape of the first letter of your great grandmother’s maiden name (love you, nana). Your garden will channel the positive energy of your ancestors, and in return, you’ll receive the most special of crops.
4. GHOST PETS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!
I WAS ASLEEP IN BED WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I HEARD KNOCKING FROM MY CLOSET. IT GOT LOUDER AND LOUDER AS I APPROACHED AND WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR THERE WERE HUNDREDS OF DEAD HAMSTERS ALL SHAPED LIKE A HUMAN WITH PITCH BLACK HOLES FOR EYE SOCKETS AND IT TRIED TO CHOKE ME BUT I JUST BARELY ESCAPED. I HAVE CALLED AN EXORCIST PLEASE BE ADVISED PET CEMETERY GARDENS ARE DANGEROUS IF YOU ARE READING THIS IT IS TOO LATE RUN THEY WILL FIND YOU.
5. Vegetables are like babies! Use strollers, cribs, and blankets
Raising crops is basically like raising children, so why not treat your produce as such? Dress up your vegetables in baby outfits (awww <:3) and cradle them each night while reading them bedtime stories. Nourishment comes in many forms, so don’t let anyone tell you that kissing your eggplants and zucchini good night isn’t a “valid” form of care. It’s your garden!
6. They’re in my house. They’ve come to eat me.
They have me surrounded. I’ve locked myself in my bedroom, but I don’t know how long my barricades will hold. Every dead pet I’ve ever had is clawing outside of the room, howling for my flesh. Oh God. I can feel their eyes on me. If you’re reading this, then perhaps it isn’t too late. Perhaps I can save you. Stay away from pet cemetery gardens. They’ll find you like they did me. They’ll always find you.