The campaign to save the bees has reached an emergency level. Populations of all species of bees continue to decline due to climate change and other human interference. This affects all of us as a global community and me, personally, because if they all go away, so does the best high I’ve ever experienced.
Colony collapse disorder is bumming me out considerably. I use bee venom medicinally to treat my recurring sobriety. Bee venom, also known as “Plan Bee,” is injected by taping a jar of bees to one’s body, which is more legal and easier to obtain than actual Plan B. Well, it was. For this reason alone, the decline of the bee is a tragedy, and we need to do something about it.
Stay Informed: Street Names for Bee Venom
Aside from Plan Bee, bee venom is also known as:
- Apie (from “apiary”)
- Bee Pee
- P.B. Livin’
- Bee Movie on LaserDisc
- Stinger Bell
- Bee-yonce Knowles Carter
- “Drugs” (with finger quotes)
How Do I Know If Plan Bee Is Right For Me?
Much like being, beeing isn’t for everyone. Bee venom is stunningly addictive. The last time I tried to withdraw, I was arrested at the state fair for stripping nude and tackling a performer wearing bees as a beard. The incident forced the organizers to cancel the REO Speedwagon show.
That said, while Bunny Ears has been historically anti-bee, when those stingers go in and the venom flows around my body, they turn into a hundred dicks and my whole body into a tight butthole.
Bee venom is no different than other bee products we love and savor. Royal jelly, honey, and venom are merely different forms of bee saliva. Those salivas are part of the many gifts that bees give to humanity. Putting bee saliva in my body is my way of swapping spit with the universe.
After becoming a full-fledged member of the Bee Hive, I now possess the power and knowledge of bees. Bee venom lets you ride the next wave of perception. By joining the universal hive mind, one perceives the world like a bee or a Free Willy. Think about it: killer bee, killer whale, and us humans are the worst killers of all. It really makes you think.
We Must Save the Bees
Bees are important for more than just drugs. If we lose bees, we lose 90% of the food on Earth. As critical pollinators, their loss would be felt through the entire food chain. The only thing left to eat will be seafood. Do you want that? Having every burp taste like you just ate an omega-3 capsule? What do I have to do to convince you? I hope the answer is “keep getting high on bee venom,” because that’s what I was going to do.
Please, friends: Help save the bees. They’re so important and so beautiful. And I refuse to go back to drinking hummingbird blood.
I welcome you to donate to the following charities, or you can Venmo me @AllisonMick to help me buy a bigger net for catching bees. I need them. We all do. But especially me.