I Tried The Blood Type Diet And Oh Boy Is Finding Blood To Drink Harder Than It Sounds
Look, I’ve tried just about every diet under the sun and I can tell you, most of them are false promises and retained water weight. All those carb-based diets leave you feeling sluggish. Atkins? Maybe if you want gout. Vegan? I’m not a rabbit, thanks. I had started to give up. I thought I would never find a diet that would work for me. That’s when I discovered the blood type diet. I won’t lie to you, this journey hasn’t been easy. But in the end, it was absolutely worth it. Luckily, I’ve already been down my blood type diet journey and I am here to help gently guide you through your own.
Find The blood type That Works For You
Many blood types can receive blood from a number of other blood types. This is important because if you mix the wrong types of blood together the cells could clump up in your blood vessels. That’s really no different than jamming an entire Big Mac in there and then what was the point of anything, right? O- works best for me. It will likely have some positive benefits for you, as well. Pretty much anyone can succeed on the O- diet. But feel free to different types until you find the one that really feels like it suits you best.
Identify Your Donors
During this process, I discovered just how ignorant people are to their own bodies. Most have no idea what their own blood type is, so simply asking isn’t a big help. Being straightforward doesn’t typically work either. Most people get weirded out when you ask for a couple drops of their blood for “research purposes” … unless they’re Craigslist people. Trust me, stay away from those people. Anyway, did you know a pinprick in a heavily calloused toe often goes unfelt if the subject is sleeping?
Create Your Stash
Toe donations take time and are incredibly risky. You’ll need to rely on them for a little while at first, but they are definitely not a viable long-term plan. If you get desperate you can order “clean blood” from some of the more questionable areas of the internet. But that shouldn’t be your endgame, either. Your body is a temple. Have some respect for what you’re putting into it, OK? You deserve it. Once you feel confident in your
siphoning phlebotomy skills you can buy a small van and create a mobile donation center.
Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: People are much more likely to donate if you tell them the blood is for orphans.
Secure Your Supply
Once you have a sizeable stash to live on for a little while, it’s time to get down to brass tacks. If you want the blood type diet to be sustainable, you will need to have a stable supply of your chosen blood type. Thankfully, there are several different ways to pull this off. The simplest solution would be a soundproof room and industrial strength shackles. But everyone rents nowadays and your landlord won’t even let you add an accent wall. Barring a live-in donor, you could easily fake a health condition that requires regular blood injections. Shop around until you find a doctor with just enough IDGAF to allow you to take the injections home with you. Even the most jaded healthcare professional will abruptly cut you off if they catch you administering the blood orally, so wait until you get home for all that.
If you’re truly dedicated to the blood type diet, you may want to consider a career change. I am only three weeks away from officially earning my Medical Assistant certification and I couldn’t be more excited!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…