As a wellness writer at Bunny Ears, I love to get my vagina steamed by going outside naked, pointing my yon-yon at the upper atmosphere, and waiting for climate change to take its course. If that doesn’t make me the hostess with the moistest, I get my face as close as possible to my sacred core and scream “SEVENTEEN WOMEN HAVE ACCUSED TRUMP OF SEXUAL ASSAULT.” That usually gets me steamed.
Unfortunately, these techniques are starting to make my neck hurt. And as much as I’d love to ride out this disappointment atop the nearest hot tub jet, I’ve decided to try something new: butt smoke.
The phrase “blow smoke up your ass” actually has its origins in a practice from the late 1700s, where doctors revived drowning victims by blowing smoke (typically tobacco) up their rectums. It’s easy to become so enchanted with ancient Eastern medicine that you forget there are also many ancient WESTERN medical practices with dubious benefits. Was I terrified to try something a 1700s bloodletter would have thought was a good idea? Yes. But here at Bunny Ears, we’ve spent a lot of time promoting ancient Eastern medicines. It would be culturally insensitive for us to ignore comparable western practices, no matter how many terrifying medical illustrations we’ve seen.
So, determined to try something new, I went down to Flay, Los Angeles’ most exclusive spa, and found a wellness practitioner to smoke me out. Then, I asked him to blow some tobacco up my butt.
What I learned from Yugoh, Flay’s top bellowsman, is that there are more options than just tobacco to hookah your nookah. I’ve assembled a list of some of my favorites.
Banish your fundal demons with some cleansing sage! You may be used to getting sage into your rectum from the other end (for instance with some brown butter and gnocchi). I adore my new ghost-free body basement. Sage has been used in many spiritual traditions around the world, and this one will really bring new meaning to the words “holy shit”. Sage is a great choice for anyone with a particularly spooky butt.
Treat your b-hole like the Son of God with some frankincense. WWJPUHB? If we’re being honest, he’d probably turn a water enema into a wine enema, but we think frankincense smoke would be a close second. Bonus: when you scream “JESUS CHRIST” when someone puts a tube up your butt, it will make sense!
Clove is a great choice for goth assholes. Literally and figuratively. If your anus is moody and has a tendency to hang out behind the Denny’s with theater kids, engulf it in some clove smoke. Pretty soon, you’ll be reading it Camus. Puff puff, you freaky little vampire!
Menthol is the primary ingredient in peppermint oil. When you choose menthol smoke, you’re choosing refreshment. It’s a singular sensation—imagine the ice dragon in Game of Thrones whispering a secret to your small intestine. Finally, a way to cool off downstairs without keeping your suppositories in the freezer!
Nowadays, brimstone is better known as “sulfur”, but we like that this old-timey word conjures imagery related to the Great Downstairs. Does sulfur smoke smell good? No (just ask us after our annual deviled egg cleanse). But while we don’t know if brimstone treatments are safe, we do know that they cost $150 at Flay. So hop to it, Beelzbutt!