Build Strong Relationships With Your Coworkers By Predicting Their Deaths
Every office has someone who knows all of the best gossip, another who brings the doughnuts, and another who lets everyone know when it’s hot outside. What’s your “thing”? What makes you valuable to your office aside from the actual skill and talent you provide? If you’re having trouble cultivating an office persona, try accurately predicting your coworkers’ deaths!
Use Your Talent To Develop Your People Skills
When you see a coworker you don’t know very well struggling to use the copy machine or lift a heavy box full of papers, approach them and offer to tell them when they will die. This will take their mind off of their difficult situation by reminding them of the inevitability of death. What does a crappy printer matter when death is waiting for us all? You will brighten your coworker’s day with this helpful reminder!
Schedule Time In Your Day To Reach Out To Your Coworkers
Your office persona’s primary function is to connect with your coworkers, so try taking just 10–20 minutes after lunch to pop into Janet’s office and say “Hey, Janet, just wanted to let you know that sweater is super cute! Also, it’s gonna be cancer, but you’ve got like 30 years, so don’t even stress about it.” Send a coworker you’ve never spoken with a meeting invite titled “Let’s talk about why you really need to drive carefully on icy roads.” I guarantee you they will respond.
Nonverbal Communication Is Also Important
Do you like skulking in the shadows? Can you softly sneak up behind a coworker and appear as if from within the ether? I bet you can! This will help remind everyone of your position in the office, even when you’re not actively predicting their deaths. When you walk into a room, people should know exactly what you’re all about by your mere presence. Try wearing a cape or maybe carrying a jaunty scythe when you’re feeling spiffy.
Speak Positively To The People You Work With About Their Deaths
People love positivity, so be positive about how they will one day die. Don’t just say “You’ll drown in a frozen river.” Talk about the beauty of the landscape. Describe how much fun they’ll have ice skating before they inadvertently step onto thin ice and get sucked into a frozen, watery grave. Your positive attitude about their impending doom will not go unnoticed.
This can be difficult when you know exactly who will and will not die on a toilet. It is, however, necessary to earn your coworkers’ trust. If you really can’t keep a particularly embarrassing death to yourself, let it out through an artistic hobby. Doodle a cartoon or write a short story about your coworker’s destiny to die of starvation after they get their dick stuck in the washing machine with their phone in the next room. Just don’t leave it in the copier. Shawn still won’t speak to me.