Achieve Perfect Zen Through A Total Lack Of Empathy

Zen: It’s not just a box of sand on a businessman’s desk, it’s a way of life. Perfect zen can be achieved through meditation, but it’s just so hard to to reach enlightenment with all the pesky suffering happening in the world. How can one reach a peaceful state of mind while surrounded by a sea of horrific injustice? By completely numbing oneself to the struggles of those around them, that’s how! We took a weekend seminar with one of the many gurus on our payroll, Guru Dayn Rand, author of “Hey You, Yes You. You’re Living Your Life All Stupid.” Guru Dayn graciously invited us to his Scottsdale home to explore the ancient art of finding tranquility by killing the benevolent part of one’s brain.

“To Seek, Is To Suffer. To Seek Nothing Is Bliss.”

We started our day by touring Guru Dayn’s beautiful villa, fully equipped with specially fitted windows that block out any indication that the world’s climate is in jeopardy due to an overlooked environmental crisis. Lesson one: The great Bodhidharma once said “To seek, is to suffer. To seek nothing is bliss.” Gury Dayn expands on this concept, stating “To see nothing is bliss, just close your eyes really tight, cover your ears and yell “La la la, I’m not listening.” And any emotional investment in the fate of the world disappears like so many sand mandalas in the wind. We were later sold $50 silk eye masks in the very likely event of one of us accidentally coming across a video of a baby polar bear separated from its mother on Facebook. Remember, seeing isn’t serenity! Squeeze those peepers tight and suddenly—what melting ice caps?

We break for lunch which turns out was a small lesson on its own. Lunch was a single ham sandwich over which guests must fight each other to claim, because, in order to achieve a total lack of empathy, one must accept that only the strong may eat. Mustard is optional.

Feel Nothing

We end the night with Lesson 2: Feel nothing. We learned that the Tao of Feeling Nothing starts once one has decked out one’s home with $100 bamboo reed wind chimes, an $80 dollar tape of soothing rain forest sounds (proceeds go to continuing to deforest the Amazon), and feeling absolutely not a single drop of compassion for those in need. When you’re trying to get some peace and quiet everyone is so damn noisy all the time with their “Inability to afford homes” and “Desperate need for even a modicum of help”. “The ladder of zen is climbed by stepping on rungs of indifference. The best way to do this in one’s day-to-day life is by literally stepping over the bodies of sleeping homeless folk like a discarded jacket on the sidewalk!” Shouts Guru Dayn as he leads us in high jumping exercises. In strengthening our glutes and hamstrings, he hopes to promote proper fitness and empower us to leap over vagrants like well-oiled stallions. Feel the burn, feel nothing!

Learning The Stoic Snake

The morning before our departure, we participated in a sunrise yoga session. As we stretch our arms towards the heavens, we learn new poses to combat those lingering feelings of commiseration with the world around us. The first is the “Stoic Snake,” which involves crossing one’s arms tightly and turning one’s head around as far as possible. Not only does this do wonders for the lower back, but it helps to ensure never having to look another human being in the eyes ever again! If the eyes are the window to the soul, Dayn says “Throw up some lovely drapes.” We moved on to the next pose, “Detached Ostrich,” which was a wee bit trickier, as it involves literally burying your head in sand. I will say, my skin has never felt more radiant, though my lungs are full of the earth. At this point, we are required to thank Guru Dayn Rand for his time and end our weekend with the final pose: “The Apathetic Shrug.” We hunch our shoulders, throw our hands up with feigned exhaustion, and let our mantra escape from our lungs and resonate about our heads: “oooooohhhmm-theresnothingwecouldreallydoaboutitanyway-ohhhmmmm.”

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