The Perfect Hookup Bag for your One Night Stand with the Easter Bunny
Against all odds, you’ve managed to seduce the Easter bunny. Maybe you’re just misunderstood or really into costumes, but either way you’re going to need some tips on how to prepare for your magical night. Here are the four essential things you absolutely need in your Easter hookup survival kit.
1. Industrial grade sewing kit and hot glue gun
Fur-suit sex is a tricky, complicated animal, but it’s entirely feasible with the proper equipment. For starters, you’ll need a sewing kit because the last thing you’ll want to worry about is ripped seams and crimped fur. Your everyday garden variety needle and thread might work in a pinch, but for safe measures you should opt for some heavier hardware. A whole sewing machine setup will do wonders. It may seem daunting and unnecessary at first, but consider the following: if you were a particular aficionado of animal apparel looking for a potential mate, wouldn’t you want your partner to be invested in the craftsmanship of your passion? Exactly.
A hot glue gun is wholly optional, but we thoroughly recommend it. Not only does it add flexibility, but it also has the benefit of doubling as a BDSM toy — though your mileage may vary considerably.
2. Totems and keepsakes for self-confidence.
We’re not gonna lie here, sleeping with a cherished children’s mascot comes with some hefty emotional baggage. So you’re gonna want some morale boosters in there: calming crystals, lavender and chamomile essential oils, geranium soy scented candles — anything that will remind you that you are a good mommy/daddy. This is for you. Don’t be afraid to bring along your yoga mat if you need to strike a few poses mid-coitus. Remember your Sanskrit: Om Shanti Shanti Shanti.
If you’re still welling up with self-doubt and insecurity, turn to meditation. Think of pleasant, happy things like rosemary kale chips, Oprah, 24-hour fitness centers, urban development — don’t think about the morning after as you try to bury all of your cherished nostalgic Easter memories that are now tarnished in retrospect. Don’t think about the burning sense of shame you’ll feel when painting Easter eggs with your children. Don’t think about all the now unwatchable clay-animation Easter movies you used to love. Don’t think about the fear of shagging up with Santa Claus next and tainting yet another innocent holiday. This is your special night.
3. Organic, GMO-free rabbit food.
This one is risky, but we think it’s worth it. If you’re going to have sex with a costumed character, you might as well go all the way. You’ll want a sizeable bag of rabbit pellets from your local pet store, but try not to go too big or else you’ll have unwanted leftovers ripe for questioning from family and peers who know you don’t own a pet rabbit. Be discreet about it. Not only will this enhance role-play, but you won’t have to worry about stressing dinner arrangements either.
4. Bunny suit
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. As a last resort, temporarily shedding your normal human identity in favor of a full-on fur-suit can turn an awkward and morally questionable affair into a hot and steamy rump. Feel free to use atmospherics as well, such as freshly-cut lawn grass and appropriate music. A little bit of Edvard Grieg’s “Morning mood” will make it feel a lot less like two painfully uncomfortable human beings attempting sexual contact in sweaty upholstered foam, and more like two beautiful spirits of mother nature doing what is perfectly natural.
If you follow all of these tips accordingly, what follows will be one of the most cherished and exciting experiences in your entire life. Of course, there’s a small chance that the entire endeavor might be a complete and total nightmare, but it will be memorable either way.