What’s Up With French Penises? An Exclusive Bunny Ears Investigation
It all started when a promotional ad for this magical, toxin-free sex toy collection purportedly based on women’s most common fantasies popped up on our screens at the Bunny Ears office:
How quaint! Jokes were made around the office about sending in “The Fireman” to douse those flames of passion. Someone had a real disturbing tale about their “Tennis Coach” and a lost-and-found tennis racket. Nevertheless, we could clearly see the resemblances between these designs and their titles. For instance, everybody knows this is exactly what a millionaire’s penis looks like, right down to the color.
However, “The Frenchman”?
What? How? What is the resemblance here? Do French penises actually look like that? Are we supposed to stick that cupped phallus inside of us? Will it suck our G-spots right out of our vaginas? We know it’s not wise to put anything past the French when it comes to pleasures of the flesh, but we were totally stumped by this one and also deeply embarrassed that none of us had ever seen a French penis before.
So we did what we had to do. We bought ourselves some gold-studded berets and launched a full-scale investigation. Yes, we were going to discover the true form of the French penis.
This is what we found.
No One Has Seen A French Penis
That’s right. We asked at least 12 people, and it turns out that no one has ever seen one. Sure, there were a couple of people who claimed they’ve pedaled the French bicycle all across Paris, but when we showed them the “Frenchman” sex toy, they quickly backed away, bewildered and confused. It became clear that the French were the only people who have ever seen a French penis.
Or have they?
France Might Not Exist
Don’t let the maps fool you. When we started digging into the existence of the elusive French penis, our oracle put us in contact with an undercover American historian called Gillroy.* Gillroy knew secrets about France that were so incredibly shocking, he had to flee the country a few years back because they wanted him dead. That’s how deep this thing goes, people. Gillroy agreed to meet us, but only under the condition that his identity remained anonymous and his location undisclosed. We pride ourselves on our journalistic integrity, so we agreed. Soon, we were on our way to learn what this mysterious man knew about France and its French penises.
According to Gillroy, the entire French population starved to death when that lady with the sweet tooth refused to save her people from famine. The rest of the world, knowing that too much blood would be shed trying to claim the massive country that is France, decided to quietly replace the population with selected people from all across Europe. They then staged the entire guillotine business, because let’s face it, that’s just good P.R.
Gillroy was still saying something about socialism, but we were already out the door, excited to get back to the office and go through all the documents he so graciously lent us. When we got to the office, Craig the Intern was waiting for us. He had done some “additional research” and come across some explosive new information.
The Frenchman Sex Toy Is Actually An Oral Vibrator, So That Explains That
Craig managed to determine (by reading the product description, apparently) that “The Frenchman” wasn’t supposed to resemble a French penis. Rather, it’s modeled after a French tongue.
If anything, this only raises more questions, but we haven’t given up. We promise, faithful readers, to continue our search for the truth about the fabled French penis (and now, the French tongue, apparently). Until then, please excuse us. We have some products to test.
*A pseudonym for Brad, the historian.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…