Stop Asking My World-Class Orchestra To Play The ‘Super Mario Bros.’ Theme
We can play Chopin’s Larghetto from Piano Concerto No. 2 in F minor, or even Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, Summer 3. There are so many beautiful and nuanced orchestral pieces written by some of the finest musical minds to have ever lived—and we can perform them at your beck and call. That’s how good myself and the 83 supremely talented musicians who make up this symphonic orchestra are. And yet, all audiences keep asking us to play is the Super Mario Bros. theme song.
And it’s a gross misuse of our talents.
I really don’t want to insult the Super Mario Bros. song. But you do realize why it’s insulting to ask us to play it, right? It’s like asking a sommelier which vintage of Mountain Dew goes well with the foie gras, or asking a lover of French new wave cinema which Transformers movie they like best. There’s nothing inherently wrong with Mountain Dew or Transformers. They just lack the complexity of a vintage Pinot or Godard’s Breathless, is all. We didn’t train for thousands of cumulative hours of our lives just to dance for you like monkeys.
Plus, it doesn’t even sound that much better played like this.
It’s not that we’re not good enough to do the Super Mario Bros. theme justice; the music just doesn’t get any better when you upgrade the instruments. There’s truly only so much you can do with like eight notes. I promise you it’s not worth your time. Not at the expense of our dignity.
I think I speak for the entire orchestra when I say that we respectfully decline to play the theme from Super Mario Bros. I’m sorry to disappoint you. And while we’re at it, the next person who asks us play the sound effects from Pong is getting stabbed with my conductor’s wand.