All The Pills From Dr. Mario Ranked By How High They Get You
After the massive, world-changing success of the Super Mario trilogy, everyone held their breath wondering how Mario would follow it up. He ultimately took a surprising left turn, going back to college to get his medical degree with an emphasis in pharmacology. That training prepared him for 1990s Dr. Mario, which—in addition to completely reinventing the Mario franchise—introduced six new drugs to the burgeoning pill scene. Here they are, ranked by the intensity with which they’ll make you trip balls.
The good doctor buried an Easter egg of an homage in this one. Take it and you instantly double in size (at least, you think you do), which is a similar effect to that of a mushroom in Super Mario Bros. Clever! However, it plays out like you’ve eaten bad mushrooms. Not magic ones—mildly poisonous ones. Take Dr. Mario’s pills only if you’re into seven days of stomach cramps and a hospital stay to treat liver damage.
I must have had a bad reaction to this one, because it made me feel really dizzy and hot. I opened all the windows to cool down, and a neighborhood dog—a rat terrier—jumped through the window. It all came to me in a moment of horrifying realization: I had actually died and been cursed to the infernal flames of Hell, and Satan had sent one of his underling demons to fetch me. I sat, rocking on the floor, weeping, until the rat terrier came up and licked the tears off my face. I shrieked, he jumped out the window, and I went in the bathroom and locked the door.
4. All Yellow
After taking this, I didn’t feel any change for a good 45 minutes, but then suddenly I got both very sleepy and unable to sleep. Probably because I needed to stay awake and take care of my feet, which had transformed into box turtles that were fighting each other. Oddly enough, my assistant said I just kept yelling, “FROGS! FROGS!” and then fell against the large window in my living room, nearly breaking through it.
3. All Red
Take these pills and you will be hilarious. Oh, man, the stuff you’re saying is so funny but also so pointed. You should really be writing this down. You should definitely write a movie, but there’s no time for that now, because those clothes have got to come off. How are you going to dance in the streets with clothes on?!
2. All Blue
You will feel one with all living things. You will feel one with inanimate objects. Both living and nonliving entities will speak secrets to you, telepathically. For instance, I learned that I’m the Prince of Space and my arms are made out of the physical manifestation of the love of my dead childhood pets (they’re in Heaven, and they say hi!).
You know what feels good? Having millions of quaking orgasms. That’s what happened within seconds of swallowing this naughty little imp, and it’s what kept happening for 15 solid minutes. There’s a reason why this is the rarest of Dr. Mario’s pills: If it were any easier to acquire, everyone would take it all the time and society as we know it would collapse.