You Can Help The Planet Right Now With These Simple Acts Of Eco-Terrorism
The effects of climate change will be irreversible by 2050—unless we do something about it now. The time for half-measures like recycling or skipping meat on Mondays is over. It’s time for something more. It’s time for eco-terrorism. And don’t worry: You don’t have to go all the way to Alaska and blow up an oil pipeline. You can cause plenty of mayhem in your own hometown! Here are five simple acts of destruction you can do to make a difference.
Rub Poop on the Meat at Your Local Grocery Store
Pollution from livestock farming is one of the leading causes of global warming. Unfortunately, only 5% of Americans identify as vegetarians. So how can you stop people from eating meat? By infecting it with a natural poison from your own body, that’s how! (E. Coli.) Collect your feces by defecating into a (reusable) shopping bag for several days. Then, head over to your local grocery store, wipe your poo all over your hands, and—when the butcher isn’t looking—touch as much meat as possible. Going vegetarian won’t seem so bad when the alternative is constant puking and shitting.
Haunt a Forest That’s About to Be Cut Down
We can protect our woodlands by dressing up like ghosts and haunting them. Build protective totems out of sticks and squirrel entrails to scare away trespassers. (Killing these squirrels is OK since you’re not eating them.) Cause mysterious accidents at the logging camp. Write a message in blood explaining that you’re a cannibalistic witch who was driven out of her forest home in the 1600s and will now kill anyone who sets foot in her sacred grove. This is what the Lorax would have done if he weren’t such a little bitch.
Kidnap the CEO of a Coal Company
Coal-burning is still the world’s leading cause of global warming. But solving this problem is just as easy as kidnapping a coal executive and bringing them to a cargo container you’ve left in the desert (all while live streaming it on Facebook).
Call In a Bomb Threat at Your Local Airport
You can do this one without even leaving your house! Just call up your local airport and tell them there’s a bomb on one of the flights leaving today. A Delta Airlines flight, for example.
OK, I’ll be honest. This one wouldn’t do jack shit to stop global warming. Air travel is only responsible for like 2.5% of the world’s pollution. I’m just pissed at Delta for losing my luggage on my honeymoon.