A Guide For First-Time Fathers Who Are Also Frankensteins

Becoming a father is an important part of any man’s life, especially if that man was created in a laboratory by a scientist so arrogant that he chose to ignore the ethical lines between God and man. Now that you’re a father yourself, you get a chance to rectify some of the mistakes your father made, such as fleeing in terror upon seeing his creation’s hideous visage. That’s why we’ve put together this handy guide on adjusting to fatherhood for everyone out there who is also a Frankenstein.

Be Aware of Your Strengths

Yes, if your baby is crying, you might get annoyed (and the sleep deprivation won’t help). But it’s on you to regulate that emotion and calm your baby. Just don’t be too soothing, or you might crush your baby with your immeasurable strength.

And Also, Your Terrifying Gaze

One important part of bonding with your new baby is making eye contact. It builds what psychologists call the “interpersonal bridge,” and it’s vital for raising a child who knows they’re loved and supported. This will be tough for you, though, as not only is it uncomfortable being that vulnerable, but your eyes are cloudy and dead and will likely cause your baby to wail. It’s not ideal, but either is anything about this situation.

Develop Your Own Parenting Style

It can be hard to know how to be a parent when your own parents didn’t set a great example. You just have to have faith that your paternal intuition will kick in naturally. During this period, take special care not to chain up your baby in the dungeon. That may be what your father did to you when he felt disconnected, but it wasn’t right then, and it isn’t right now. Break the cycle.

You May Be More Prepared Than You Think

Your baby will be up at all hours of the night, and it’s not just your bride’s job to take care of it. Thankfully, this is one area where Frankensteins have an advantage over most dads, as they’re used to constantly sleeping on high-alert, ready to wake up at a moment’s notice to flee pitchfork-wielding villagers.

And again (because it truly can’t be stressed enough): Please do not crush your baby with your Frankenstein strength. We wish we didn’t have to harp on this, but it is what it is.

Image: Pixabay, Universal Pictures