Human lust is like the Great Barrier Reef: complex, spiritual to witness, and moist and rock hard at the same time. Also, both are slowly dying because our government is secretly putting chemicals in the water. This is why I am eager to share my many techniques in the arts of seduction and genital potency. And like all things love-related, the secret starts with the basic principles of whale vocalizations.
You won’t find this in any so-called “science” book, but most historians agree that the frequency in which whales send out their distress calls perfectly matches the secret inner cochlea contained within our sexual organs. This is why ancient whalers always had erections. And through countless overseas trips to ancient temples and affordable brothels, I have trained my vocal chords to perfectly mimic a wide array of distressed whale species in order to seduce the opposite sex. (Don’t believe me? Well know that I can now horizontally propel my ejaculate thirty feet while screaming like a distressed narwhal).
However, these complex skills cannot be taught in a single internet article, which is why I am offering them to you in a series of available seminars in conjunction with the release of my new book, Whale Scream Seduction.
In my exclusive-but-affordable program I will teach you the following:
- How to command orgasms with orca gasps
- Ways to use the frequency of a blue whale’s final screeches to cut through nightclub chatter
- And more!
I know what you’re thinking. “Romance is a labyrinth in the prison of compounding calamities in which I am a prisoner. There’s no helping me.” But trust me: I’ve been there. Believe it or not, back before I started the Church I was a romantic outcast, often spending my Saturday nights compiling manifestos while alone in my houseboat. That all changed the moment I learned to cry out like an orphaned beluga. Suddenly, women were noticing me on the streets, curious to know who I was and why I was screaming. I found even more success within my Church’s seminar hut and spiritual orgy arena, and soon, I could tame even the mightiest of temptresses with my smooth cetacean songs. Even today I am able to turn the heads of any lady lawyer who happens past my holding cell. (Also, I am still very much in prison and continue to require your legal fee donations.)
But this is not just about seduction. The ancient art of Whale Screaming can triple your fertility. Some monks have even been known to grow a sizable third testicle after days of sustained humpback shrieks, and I myself can achieve seven sequential orgasms by simply imagining the fearful cacophony of a dying family of blue whales. And don’t get me started on what the auditory suffering of a sperm whale can do for you (they don’t call them sperm whales for nothing!).
Obviously, this is major league orgasming I’m describing. Early steps of the program will begin with simple non-kinetic nipple arousal and vocal training before gradually moving toward the use of small whale grunts to invoke vaginal wetness. Only once you’ve completed the first portion (which requires the purchase of my book Whale Scream Seduction at one of our many roadside Church huts) can you graduate and start your path to aquatic seduction deity. All it takes is a little dedication and also agreeing to our Church-exclusive surgical larynx adjustment—available at a nominal additional cost and the signing of a liability waiver.
May your neck become an oceanic horn of lust,
“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially