I Freaky Friday’d With My Daughter And What Do All These Emojis Mean?

Whenever I saw those stories on the news about kids and the internet, I always thought, “Not my daughter.” But then it happens to you—you get Freaky Friday’d with your teen, and it hits you like a ton of bricks: You don’t know the first thing about your kid. (Also, you look in the mirror and see parts of your daughter you can never unsee, but that’s the least of your problems). Sure, it may sound like the hilarious plot from a body-switch movie, but this is REAL LIFE with REAL LIFE consequences.

And while my little girl is currently in my body, driving to my job and (hopefully) landing the Yoshijima account, I make the mistake of looking at her phone…and feeling like a total failure as a parent. With all these pictures and faces and emojis, it’s like we don’t even speak the same language anymore. I feel powerless to stop her from getting in with the druggie kids and the Snapchat pornographers.

Her chat bubbles look like modern hieroglyphics, and even if I were to translate each individual image, I wouldn’t know where to start in making sense of it all. Why is there a face with a tongue talking to a grapefruit and a bunch rain drop?! Is my little girl a closeted grapefruit-juice enthusiast?

There’s one with a bunch of pizza slices next to an ambulance, and another with a ghost next to snapping fingers. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? Did they kill the pizza man? Is there an ambulance that moonlights as a pizza delivery service? Is there a really cool exorcist happening somewhere in town?

I’ll be the first to admit that my knowledge of emojis is slim at best. I passed on every opportunity to see The Emoji Movie, despite knowing its educational value to tax-paying citizens such as myself. Yet each emoji combination hides a secret meaning, and that’s not even to mention the strange relationship that her and her friends have with “Jeff,” a man who apparently gives them moving image files pulled from movies and youtubes.

Luckily, faces and hands are mostly self-explanatory, and some of my favorite, very funny CBS sitcoms have gone to laborious lengths to explain to me what the more risqué stand-ins can be. (I’m looking at you, dreaded poop emoji). But no one has caught me up on the emojis for narcotics or orgy parties, so I’m keeping my eyes peeled for needle pics or anything that looks like a vagina.

The biggest mystery of all thus far is an emoji that appear constantly throughout her more recent conversations, depicting a running man with wild hair, holding what appears to be either an ice cream pop or some kind of butcher’s cleaver. It could be the Sideshow Bob emoji, but it’s too shadowy to confirm.

First seen in her messages to “Ruff Randy,” whom I already don’t care for, this emoji is often followed with a declaration of being “down with the wicked clown.” Personally, I thought my daughter was talking about the title character from the movie IT, but that’s impossible. Nothing gets past the V-chip. NOTHING.

But it’s admittedly lead me to some interesting discoveries. Soda bottle emojis are called “Faygo,” which I hope doesn’t mean what I think it means, and any combination of trees and people are a reference to “The Gathering,” which could have pagan implications. Also, if there’s a clown emoji next to a devil emoji, I’m almost sure it has something to do with sex; I’ve heard of BJs and HJs, but I’ve definitely never heard of a Violent J.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my daughter, and will do my best to live her life how she sees fit until this Freaky Friday situation sorts itself out. But if you get Freaky Friday’d, learn from my mistakes, and talk to your teens. Also, if you know anything about the magnet emoji, call me; it seems to be a problem.