Slut Shaming Is Wrong Unless I Am About to Finish
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Slut Shaming Is Wrong Unless I Am About to Finish

As a feminist, I believe that the English language is inherently sexist. Think about it: Everything is male-centric. The entire world seems to revolve around men and their dicks, but if a woman wants to touch one of those oh-so-mighty dicks? Bam! She’s a slut!

I do not believe women should be defined by their sexual history. I do not view women as a Starbucks cup, something that’s supposed to be used once and then forever considered trash even though I still fill it up with homemade coffee until it falls apart so I look expensive to my coworkers. No way! Women are so much more than that.

That’s why I believe slut shaming is always 100% wrong unless I am about to finish. No man should be going around calling women names unless they are in my bed, kitchen, or bathtub and I am about 30 seconds away from le petit mort.

I didn’t always feel this way. When I met my new boyfriend, Tom, I was hesitant about exploring things. I have always considered myself, well, French vanilla. But he more the connection between Tom and I grew, the more willing I was to try new things, like let him call me names I really wanted to call my boss after my last review. I found that not only was this suddenly acceptable to me, I can no longer reach orgasm unless a man has insulted my virtue. But only if it’s Tom, and only if I’m really, really close.

Look, there is a method to my madness. I believe a man shouldn’t be allowed to call me any names unless he can actually get me there. It shouldn’t be a big deal how much sex I have if nobody can actually make me finish. After taking Feminist Theory 101, I realized the Madonna-whore complex is ruining the lives of women. Women aren’t either virginal mothers or dirty harlots. I am a motherly goddess and also a skank, and I demand to be treated like both but only at very specific moments.

Whenever I get a corn dog, I always wonder if I should just bite into it or slowly eat the surrounding bread so I can expose the wiener. I want men to think of me like that. When I am out to dinner with them, I am the corn dog still in its warm cornbread coat, safe and wholesome. When I am close to the big moment, I am that exposed wiener.

So gentlemen, if you want to be a true feminist, keep it classy. Unless you’re about to make me scream.

Images: Pexels, PexelsPexels

Elizabeth Teets
Elizabeth Teets

Author - Dazzler - Queen

Elizabeth Teets is a Portland based Writer, Comedian and Fashionista. She is the host of Queens of Hollywood X-Ray Fm and producer of the Women In Comedy series Isn't She Great at the Hollywood Theater. She strives every day to make Elle Woods and Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 equally proud. You can follow her on Twitter @elizabethteets but you should really try @elteets on Instagram because that's where the outfits are.

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