Slut Shaming Is Wrong Unless I Am About to Finish

October 26, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
Share this on

As a feminist, I believe that the English language is inherently sexist. Think about it: Everything is male-centric. The entire world seems to revolve around men and their dicks, but if a woman wants to touch one of those oh-so-mighty dicks? Bam! She’s a slut!

I do not believe women should be defined by their sexual history. I do not view women as a Starbucks cup, something that’s supposed to be used once and then forever considered trash even though I still fill it up with homemade coffee until it falls apart so I look expensive to my coworkers. No way! Women are so much more than that.

That’s why I believe slut shaming is always 100% wrong unless I am about to finish. No man should be going around calling women names unless they are in my bed, kitchen, or bathtub and I am about 30 seconds away from le petit mort.

I didn’t always feel this way. When I met my new boyfriend, Tom, I was hesitant about exploring things. I have always considered myself, well, French vanilla. But he more the connection between Tom and I grew, the more willing I was to try new things, like let him call me names I really wanted to call my boss after my last review. I found that not only was this suddenly acceptable to me, I can no longer reach orgasm unless a man has insulted my virtue. But only if it’s Tom, and only if I’m really, really close.

MORE FROM BUNNY EARS
How To Be A 'Cool Aunt' Just To Get Revenge On Your Sibling

Look, there is a method to my madness. I believe a man shouldn’t be allowed to call me any names unless he can actually get me there. It shouldn’t be a big deal how much sex I have if nobody can actually make me finish. After taking Feminist Theory 101, I realized the Madonna-whore complex is ruining the lives of women. Women aren’t either virginal mothers or dirty harlots. I am a motherly goddess and also a skank, and I demand to be treated like both but only at very specific moments.

Whenever I get a corn dog, I always wonder if I should just bite into it or slowly eat the surrounding bread so I can expose the wiener. I want men to think of me like that. When I am out to dinner with them, I am the corn dog still in its warm cornbread coat, safe and wholesome. When I am close to the big moment, I am that exposed wiener.

So gentlemen, if you want to be a true feminist, keep it classy. Unless you’re about to make me scream.

Images: Pexels, PexelsPexels


Share this on

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

I Will Not Be Shamed For Watching Porn, Especially On The Bus


Use Your Wedding Gift Registry To Ensure Your Guests Know You Fuck Hard


Ways To Find Love Before You Die Tragically On Valentine’s Day


How To Superglue Your Pores Shut To Keep Out Dirt And Oil


Upcycle Your Dead Dad’s Porn Magazines


Cool Stuff to Buy

Stalk Us

logo
Home Lifestyle Pop Culture Wrestling Podcasts Videos About Us