bunnyears

…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
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…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
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…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
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…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
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…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
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… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
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…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
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…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
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…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
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…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…

Slut Shaming Is Wrong Unless I Am About to Finish

As a feminist, I believe that the English language is inherently sexist. Think about it: Everything is male-centric. The entire world seems to revolve around men and their dicks, but if a woman wants to touch one of those oh-so-mighty dicks? Bam! She’s a slut!

I do not believe women should be defined by their sexual history. I do not view women as a Starbucks cup, something that’s supposed to be used once and then forever considered trash even though I still fill it up with homemade coffee until it falls apart so I look expensive to my coworkers. No way! Women are so much more than that.

That’s why I believe slut shaming is always 100% wrong unless I am about to finish. No man should be going around calling women names unless they are in my bed, kitchen, or bathtub and I am about 30 seconds away from le petit mort.

I didn’t always feel this way. When I met my new boyfriend, Tom, I was hesitant about exploring things. I have always considered myself, well, French vanilla. But he more the connection between Tom and I grew, the more willing I was to try new things, like let him call me names I really wanted to call my boss after my last review. I found that not only was this suddenly acceptable to me, I can no longer reach orgasm unless a man has insulted my virtue. But only if it’s Tom, and only if I’m really, really close.

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Look, there is a method to my madness. I believe a man shouldn’t be allowed to call me any names unless he can actually get me there. It shouldn’t be a big deal how much sex I have if nobody can actually make me finish. After taking Feminist Theory 101, I realized the Madonna-whore complex is ruining the lives of women. Women aren’t either virginal mothers or dirty harlots. I am a motherly goddess and also a skank, and I demand to be treated like both but only at very specific moments.

Whenever I get a corn dog, I always wonder if I should just bite into it or slowly eat the surrounding bread so I can expose the wiener. I want men to think of me like that. When I am out to dinner with them, I am the corn dog still in its warm cornbread coat, safe and wholesome. When I am close to the big moment, I am that exposed wiener.

So gentlemen, if you want to be a true feminist, keep it classy. Unless you’re about to make me scream.

Images: Pexels, PexelsPexels

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