You Are Clearly Not Trying Hard Enough to Have Vaginal Orgasms

Listen up, bitch. I’ve had just about enough of your shit. As your sex therapist, I find it deeply concerning and frankly suspicious that you still can’t manage to have vaginal orgasms. I don’t care that you don’t pay me or even know how I keep getting into your house. What’s important is that I care so much about your ability to experience the pure bliss of getting off on Elijah’s graceless pounding alone, and I don’t feel like you care at all.

We’ve been working for months to clear the mental and spiritual blockages that were preventing you from experiencing scientifically undebatable vaginal orgasms, so frankly, I don’t know what your problem is. Are you still uncomfortable with your sexuality? Only the deeply repressed would insist upon clitoral stimulation instead of just willing themselves to orgasm on demand, so maybe we have more work to do there? Are you doing the exercises? Well, are you?! I can’t believe you’re not doing the exercises. Do you think orgasms just happen if you apply the right pressure to your clitoris for long enough? They take work, dammit.

Do you just not trust your partner enough? Is that it? Sure, Elijah might conveniently forget how to load a dishwasher from time to time, but that doesn’t mean he should have to go down on you for minutes at a time. You should still go down on him, but if the sheer jackhammering of his penis isn’t enough for you, you might have some serious issues to work out in your relationship. You, not the two of you. This is all your fault.

Don’t give me that crap about 70% of women requiring clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. God, you pull out that study like Elijah pulls out his fingers after the bare minimum of foreplay. Have you considered that 70% of women are lazy assholes? Since you’re all about appealing to authority these days, did you know that Freud considered a reliance on clitoral orgasms a signal of immaturity? Psychologically healthy women in mature relationships are not only capable of vaginal orgasms, they prefer it. Look it up. Yes, I know Freud was a cokehead whose work has been largely discredited. So am I. I don’t see what that has to do with anything.

You act like it’s so hard to just have a vaginal orgasm, and I don’t understand why. I’ve had three since I got here. I’m not saying you have to get Elijah to halfheartedly thrust at you if you want to have a proper orgasm. I’m trying to tell you that, when you’re ready, you won’t need to.

I don’t know. I just don’t feel like you’re trying hard enough. Do you know what a mess healthcare is in this country? A lot of women don’t even have access to a sex therapist of my caliber. All they’ve got are their vibrators and enthusiastic, unselfish sex partners. It makes me so sad to think of all the women out there having extremely physically satisfying but spiritually empty orgasms. I wish I could help them all, but I am only one woman. You don’t even appreciate what I’m trying to do for you.

I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.