This Isn’t A Sponsored Article Touting The Benefits of Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream

I used to be so disappointed when I saw myself in the mirror first thing in the morning. Did time, stress, sleeplessness, parenthood, and all of those speedballs I did in my twenties conspire to ruin the beauty that got me invited to all those secret ritualistic orgies? Yes. Yes, they had. But that all changed when I received a sample of Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream® in a package with no return address.

I can’t legally claim Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream® was solely responsible for getting rid of my blackheads and crow’s feet, straightening my spine, curing my gout, saving my failing marriage, and giving me dreams that later appear as headline news. I can say that it was there for me every step of the way, encouraging me when others wouldn’t, and altering my DNA when certain doctors on the run from multiple countries refused to “play God” even though their reputation for playing fast and loose with divine law is exactly why I came to them in the first place.

Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream®, made from 100% pure botanicals scraped from the surface of the pond at the edge of a town exactly as far away from the refinery as is legally allowed, helped me get the face – and life – I always wanted. And it makes my mouth taste like pennies. Score!

Every night, I smooth a generous dollop of Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream® horizontally across my face, starting at the nose and ending at the ears. The direction is important. Smear up or down and your face will be ripped to shreds by the high speeds you’ll be able to run after your first application of Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream®. From the moment I put it on, it gives my face a natural glow I use to read in the dark.

Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream® has a botanical aroma of orange peel and burning that soothes the anxieties of the day. Its light tingle lets me know I’m going to wake up feeling like a brand new person. Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream® allows me to change my facial features with a single thought. I can be any age (and anyone) I want.

I could be you.

That’s not all: Despite the clear warning on the label that says “DO NOT CONSUME,” Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream® is more edible than you’d think. A scoop in your morning apricot-mango smoothie will give you a natural energy boost that’ll last the whole day, possibly several months. Does Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream® also have age-defying antioxidants and B-vitamins to further fortify that smoothie? No. But it does contain a chemical salvaged from mysterious space wreckage that will allows you to vibrate through walls.

Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream® has no unusual side effects. It works exactly as nature intended. Nature intended that I have a second and third row of teeth. I wouldn’t consider that unusual, no matter how often Wellman’s scientists keeping tabs on me think it is, which I hear them think from the “empty” house across the street.

This isn’t a sponsored article touting the benefits of Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream®. It’s a wake-up call. They’re not even paying me. In fact, they’re actively discouraging me from talking. You Wellman’s scientists have learned a lot about me recently. What you don’t know is that right now, I am one of you.

Boo.