Is Your Husband Only Going To Narnia To Fuck That Goat Man?
Look, we’ve all been there. You’re cleaning out that overstuffed closet in the attic when you stumble through it to a magical world of wonder. One minute you’re folding some musty sweaters; the next thing you know, you’re in an enchanted land of Christian allegory, where lions are kings and winter lasts forever. If you’re anything like us, this naturally leads to one conclusion …
Your Husband is Fucking That Goat Man
Yes, this is sadly the most likely option as you find yourself on the sunny shores of Terebinthia, surrounded by a phalanx of griffins and ghouls. He’s definitely smashing bits with a saucy satyr.
Let’s be real. Do you honestly think your husband found a magical wardrobe in the attic, one that teleports him to a mystical land of talking animals and grand adventure, and he just forgot to bring it up? No, if you’ve got a closet, cabinet, or really any piece of furniture that serves as a conduit to Narnia, or any magical land of enchantment, chances are your husband is fucking something in there on the regs.
Sure, you don’t know for certain that he spent decades in Narnia defeating the wicked White Witch and driving the pirate Telmarines back to their Western waters while picking up a little goat strange on the side. But he does go up to the attic a lot more than you do. He almost certainly discovered the Wood between the Worlds, a nexus that connects Earth to the magical realms, and used it to get up in the guts of that goat guy. There is literally no other explanation.
It’s All Adding Up
You know your husband. He can’t shut up about that one time he fixed the fire alarm. But, after rising to the ranks of royalty and leading the kingdom of Narnia into a new age of peace and prosperity, he just kept it to himself? Not one humblebrag about being a veritable god among men? No, either he was porking that goat guy, or his newfound love of flute music on Spotify is the biggest coincidence in the world.
It all makes a certain perverse sense. Time does work differently in the realm of Narnia. While mere seconds pass here on Earth, he lived an entire lifetime in that other world. What was he supposed to do, not fuck a faun? At least it wasn’t that bimbo from his office, right? Now that would be unforgivable.
So use your next couples’ counseling session to solve some problems. Casually mention how you happened upon an otherworldly gate to a glorious parallel reality. Give him a shot to come clean, because it isn’t the Narnia-based goat fucking that should bother you. It’s the dishonesty.
Images: Unsplash, Walt Disney Pictures
