Help! My Timed Meditation App Just Keeps Foretelling My Death!
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…Queen Kong???…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…Hats are cool…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…RIP KOKO…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…God found dead in space…
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…Waldo still missing…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
Cancer linked to death!
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…

Help! My Timed Meditation App Just Keeps Foretelling My Death!

I’ve been wanting to incorporate healthier, more productive habits into my life for ages, but somehow, I just couldn’t take the leap. Take meditation. Who has time for it? How do you know when to stop? How do you keep heavily distorted ’80s sitcom themes with the lyrics replaced by a demon chorus singing blasphemous sexual threats from overpowering the terrifying maw of emptiness that opens when you try to clear your mind? Then I realized, as the kids say, there’s an app for that. Do kids still say that? What about “jiggy”? Is that still a thing?

That’s why I turned to the spiritual wellness app Rakshasa. I’m pretty sure that’s a word I heard my old yoga teacher use before he mysteriously disappeared, so it sounded legit. It has a pretty standard interface and allows me to schedule reminders for all sorts of self care, including meditation. It almost immediately started taking over my life, and I couldn’t have been happier. I was more productive than I have ever been. Gentle bells and drums poured out of my phone’s speaker to remind me of various tasks so often that I didn’t even notice when they began imperceptibly speeding up.

It seemed as if the days themselves were getting faster. It became more difficult to completely clear my mind during meditation, because images would float to the surface too terrifying to describe. The days were getting shorter, and my meal portions were getting smaller. Still, I didn’t find myself any more tired, hungry, or anything less than serene. Serene as a pampered sacrificial goat, as the increasingly present voices in my head might phrase it. My calorie and step counts began registering negative values, as if I was disappearing while in plain sight. As if I was living on borrowed time.

Then, a new alert, only a handful of days away, showed up on the Rakshasa calendar. It had no title, simply the I Ching Hexagram 29: The Abyss. I wasn’t quite sure what this could mean, but I had a sinking feeling. When I tried meditation for recourse from my current predicament, my mind simply visualized a skull. One skull of many, tucked away in a mud wall in a humble forest hut.

I had no way of knowing this on my own, but somehow, I was acutely aware that this particular hut was deep in the forest of Dandaka. As described in the Ramayana, this forest holds the kingdom of Danda, the dominion of flesh-eating ghosts.

I knew that soon I would be joining them.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay Pixabay

Rani Baker
Rani Baker

Not So Good Witch

Rani Baker is a writer for Cracked, Transadvocate, Bunny Ears (I mean) among others and frontperson for hacker punk band Destroyed For Comfort. Created the video games You Can't Go Home, Never Go To Work and Death Sword. Wants to be funnier but also wants you to like her just so, so much.Not a celebrity devil worshiper, or at least not a celebrity.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.