Fetish Of The Month: The Unexpected Intimacy Of Targeted Internet Ads
There’s nothing sexier than someone who knows you better than you know yourself. And who knows you better than your targeted internet ads? Sure, they might be both invasive and a sign of corporate voyeurism run amok, but I get a little thrill every time I see a post on my timeline for things like noiseless dehumidifiers and butt pimple cream. It makes me feel seen.
I know what you’re thinking: How can a lover made of flesh and blood ever compete with an internet ad that taps into my subconscious via my search history to algorithmically calculate which products and/or services I might need at any given moment? The simple answer is they can’t. My internet ads know me so well that sometimes I don’t even type a search query before my screen is filled with suggestions for low-impact running shoes and all-natural deodorants. They must be listening in on my phone calls or reading my emails and texts. It’s a horrifying invasion of privacy … but also, weirdly flattering? They’re clearly willing to do anything to understand me. I can’t say that of most people.
It’s Both Comforting and Sensual
The ads encroach upon my most private of thoughts not because I tell them to, but because they want to (as do the companies and corporations they represent, of course). It’s bold. And … kind of hot? Plus, there’s a strange comfort in knowing that there’s always someone watching me. It’s like being wrapped in a digital weighted blanket made of auto-playing videos from a sunglasses brand I’ve never heard of.
Basically, potential human lovers need to step up their game. I don’t want to be wined and dined. I want to be scrutinized, spied on, and analyzed until every need, want, and random whim can be instantly met to the fullest. Otherwise, don’t waste your time.