What Your Period Is Trying To Tell You: Your Friend's Shitty Life Choices
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What Your Period Is Trying To Tell You About Your Friend Doug’s Shitty Life Choices

According to several other male doctors whom I trust implicitly, women’s periods can tell us all a great deal about parts of our lives we might not have expected to be so closely tied to menstruation.

For example, your friend Doug has made several terrible life choices, so I sat down over a cup of Green Quince, Dong Quai, and Crystal Infused Raspberry Leaf Tea with board-certified reproductive acupuncturist Nils Kramperbisk to learn what kind of insights can be shed on the matter by shedding your endometrial lining.


~A Q&A with Nils Kramperbisk~


Q

What are some of the most persistent myths about Doug’s shitty life choices?

A

Your friend Doug has made a lot of poor decisions in his life. We’re talking about a guy who took a semester off grad school – itself a miserable call – to take his singer/songwriter solo act “on tour” on his own dime, which mostly just meant hanging out in Portland for four months.

The thing is, he’s made so many terrible moves like that, it’s easy to write off all of his decisions. But that’s just not true. For example, he’s often the guy at lunch who orders the best thing, and you’re like, man I wish I’d ordered that. Good for you, Doug!

So instead, I like to emphasize how cues from your menstrual cycle can key us into which of your friend Doug’s decisions are truly awful.


Q

Okay, two things: (1) Portland is actually pretty cool, and (2) that all sounds kind of vague and stupid. Can you give me an example?

A

Of course. The average period involves 30-40ml of blood, so if you’re on the low end of that, you can be confident that your friend Doug is going down another spiral of poor decisions, like the time he moved to Houston, America’s wet hot crotch, or when he decided to have a kid at nineteen. Nobody’s ready for that, Doug!

I like to say: if your flow is low, then, Doug, that’s a no.


Q

So if I’m getting this straight, you’re just drawing insane, nonsensical parallels between the amount of blood you lose during your period, and your friend Doug’s shitty life choices?

A

No, no, no. Please don’t misunderstand. Periods vary not only in volume, but in color and consistency as well. A darker period could be a sign of a darker time in your friend Doug’s life, like when he actually thought it would be a good idea to see the same psychotherapist as his father. I mean, who does that? And what kind of therapist encourages that sort of thing? It’s maddening. You want to save Doug, but you know that getting involved in his life is just your own co-dependency being triggered by his compulsive, non-sober behavior.


Q

With all due respect, Mr. Kramperbisk–

A

Doctor Krampberisk–

Q

With all due respect, Dr. Kramperbisk, it sounds like you’re projecting onto your friend Doug here. I mean, you don’t control Doug’s life. You can’t. Especially not with a period. Don’t you think your period might just be cluing you into your own feelings about Doug? I mean, you seem self-aware of your own co-dependent tendencies.

And also, whose period are we talking about here? We are two men talking about periods here.

A

Certainly, but you have to keep in mind that the consistency of your discharge, the soreness of your breasts, and even the timing of your period can play a role, too. So if your period is late, it could refer to your friend Doug’s late realization that he should never have left that girlfriend who is now a successful TV writer, and whom, if he had married like she so desperately wanted, it would be personally advantageous to you now.


Q

Okay, you’re an idiot, but I can agree with at least some of that.

A

Let’s have some more tea.

Nick Roth
Nick Roth

Contributing Scholar

Nick Roth is a 46-year-old billionaire South African business magnate, engineer, and inventor. After teaching himself computer programming at 12, he founded a web software company that he sold to eBay in 2002 for $1.5 billion, then developed the world's most advanced self-driving electric car, tunneling machine, and artificial intelligence. He is currently one of humanity's most powerful super-villains and is working on his Martian Headquarters.

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