The Collagen Diet: Crispy Recipes For Eating Your Own Skin
Yo, you really need to be getting in on the collagen diet. The benefits of this amazingly delicious protein are basically endless, and you can get it right from your own body. Forget pricey bone broths and flavorless powders—here are my favorite recipes for eating your own skin.
Paleo devotees will love this pan-fried roll that replaces pancetta with your oily organ casing. Just find yourself a mandolin and drag your little sausage fingers across the thin, sharp blade. Take those skin strips and add them to a cast-iron skillet filled with piping-hot avocado or coconut oil. Add onions and mushrooms for flavor, and wrap the whole thing around your finest imported cheese. Sprinkle a few skin crumbles over the top to make the meal extra classy.
Loaded Potato “Skins”
Get ready for that festive ritual pedestrians refer to as “football” by throwing on your favorite emerald-studded NFL-themed teardrop earrings and ordering your personal chef to whip up this classic tailgating staple. You can even personalize your crispy epidermis boat with all your favorite toppings. Green onions, bacon, spinach, and yet more cheese are popular choices. Supporters of this American pastime assure me that adding a dab of sour cream to this concoction elevates the dish to “loaded” status. I assume this is a desirable result.
Just Straight Skin, Maybe?
If you’re really pressed for time or simply some kind of maniac, you could skip all the meal prep and mixing and just eat some straight skin. Everyone says vegetables in their natural form are better for you, so that probably applies here, too. Just get yourself an exceptionally abrasive exfoliating loofah, go nuts on all your problem areas, and then chomp down on your raw birthday-suit remnants.
Belly Button Philly Cheesesteak
Let’s be real for a second. When was the last time you actually cleaned out your belly button? Have you ever cleaned out your belly button? It’s okay. Nobody does. But it’s never too late to start, and you can ease some of your guilt over being such a gross slob by putting your cheese stash to good use and repurposing it for your new diet/skincare routine. Use a butter knife to scrape out your stomach hole and then throw the resulting skin lumps on top of your leftover pancetta shavings. Serve in a lightly toasted bun.
I get it: Simply replacing thinly sliced meat with skin only goes so far. May I interest you in an icy-cold husk treat? Just throw on your flashiest bikini or Speedo and bathe in the golden rays of the almighty Sun until you develop a second-degree burn. Strip off the dry, flaky skin, and line an ice cube tray with your skin flaps. Fill the tray with your favorite rosé and freeze. Now you can repair your freshly baked skin from the inside.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…