This Low-Cal Almond Butter Is Super Addictive! I’ll Blow You For It.

June 6, 2018 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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I didn’t believe my friend Jessica when she kept telling me that she was totally addicted to this super-sweet, low-calorie almond butter she found at Whole Foods. That is, until I saw her in an alley near her Park Avenue apartment blowing a Postmates delivery guy. That’s when I knew I really needed get my hands on some of that. The almond butter, not the delivery guy. Not yet.

It’s crazy how addicted I am to creamy, delicious almond butter!

I was instantly hooked. You haven’t lived until you’ve felt the rush of three tablespoons of sweet and salty goodness coursing through your system like the purest white China heroin. I was awakened physically, spiritually, and sexually. No longer was I just a housewife with three ungrateful children. (Maybe four?) I always lose count. Now I’m a wild woman fueled by ethically-sourced palm oil and other non-GMO certified ingredients.

It’s crazy how addicted I am to creamy, delicious almond butter! In fact, I quickly became so hooked that the local stores wouldn’t sell to me anymore. You’d be surprised how fast Whole Foods will kick you out over just a little screaming and crying in front of their jams, jellies, and inferior nut butters when they’re out of that sweet, sweet Brown Betty.

In increasing desperation, I Googled “how to cook your own almond butter” and found plenty of instructions. Soon, my children were bathing with our garden hose because I was always cooking up a batch in their bathtub. Also, I wouldn’t let them use my bathtub.

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Cooking it myself was dangerous, though. My husband was starting to ask questions, like “Why does your hair smell like almonds? I like it. It’s nice.” It was only a matter of time before he figured out how insanely addicted I was to heart-healthy almond butter.

One of my butter junkie friends suggested I go for strength over quantity. That’s when I started experimenting with the really hard stuff: flavored almond butter. Vanilla, caramel – hell, I even tried oatmeal raisin. I was completely off the rails.

Snorting almond butter is a surprisingly bad idea, you guys.

I knew I was on the road to doing something truly crazy. My life felt like a train that was spiraling off the tracks, and when the train finally derailed, I knew exactly what it would hit: Nutella. It’s so hard for me to admit this, but at my lowest, I seriously considered trying a chocolate hazelnut spread. I told myself it wasn’t technically Nutella because it was all organic, but deep down, I knew it was just an excuse to put chocolate in my body.

I ended up snorting a couple of maple honey squeeze packets to stave off the craving. It was very painful and not super effective. Snorting almond butter is a surprisingly bad idea, you guys.

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My addiction led me to do some things I’m not very proud of. I became even more hostile than usual toward my children. I wrote a bunch of mean notes in their picture books. I wrote “psych” under the title of God Made You Special and added “IN HELL” to the cover of Where Do Diggers Sleep At Night? Now, my son Chet cries whenever he passes a construction site, which is strange, because I don’t think he has a very solid concept of what Hell is. I know I didn’t when I was six.

My husband kicked me out of the house after I tried to sell one of my children to an unsavory health food store owner for a 7-lb. pail of savory, perfect almond butter. I live on the mean streets now, the sorry aisle of Whole Foods, specifically aisle seven. Occasionally, I’ll blow a stock boy for the first shot at the Justin’s Natural Delicious shipment when it comes in.

Did you think this story would have a happy ending? I mean, sure, I’ve lost like 15 lbs. and my hair is healthier than ever because almond butter is full of vitamin E and antioxidants, but at what cost? Less than 5.99/lb. if ya nasty.


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2 Comments

  1. Making Almond Crack from Almond Butter.

    Boil water in a double boiler.
    Get baking soda and the almond butter of your choice.
    Using a triple beam scale, measure out your almond butter.
    Mix one gram of soda for every seven grams of almond butter.
    Over high heat, shake it up until it bubbles up and gets hard.
    Then sit the container in some ready-made and ice-cold water.
    Allow to cool thoroughly.
    And now your almond butter is almond crack.
    Smoke and enjoy!

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