This Low-Cal Almond Butter Is So Addictive I’ll Blow You For It!

September 28, 2022 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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I didn’t believe my friend Jessica when she kept telling me that she was totally addicted to this super-sweet, low-calorie almond butter she found at Whole Foods. That is, until I saw her in an alley near her Park Avenue apartment blowing a Postmates delivery guy. That’s when I knew I really needed to get my hands on some of that. The almond butter, not the delivery guy. Not yet.

It’s So Addictive!

I was instantly hooked. You haven’t lived until you’ve felt the rush of three tablespoons of sweet and salty goodness coursing through your system like the purest white China heroin. I was awakened physically, spiritually, and sexually. No longer was I just a housewife with three ungrateful children. (Maybe four?) I always lose count. Now I’m a wild woman fueled by ethically-sourced palm oil and other non-GMO certified ingredients.

It’s crazy how addicted I am to creamy, delicious almond butter! In fact, I quickly became so hooked that the local stores wouldn’t sell to me anymore. You’d be surprised how fast Whole Foods will kick you out over just a little screaming and crying in front of their jams, jellies, and inferior nut butters when they’re out of that sweet, sweet Brown Betty.

In increasing desperation, I Googled, “how to cook your own almond butter” and found plenty of instructions. Soon, my children were bathing with our garden hose because I was always cooking up a batch in their bathtub.

Cooking it myself was dangerous, though, and one of my butter junkie friends suggested I go for strength over quantity. That’s when I started experimenting with the really hard stuff: flavored almond butter. Vanilla, caramel—hell, I even tried oatmeal raisin. I was completely off the rails.

My Addiction Led Me to Do Some Things I’m Not Very Proud Of

My husband kicked me out of the house after I tried to sell one of my children to an unsavory health food store owner for a 7-lb. pail of savory, perfect almond butter. I live on the mean streets now, the sorry aisle of Whole Foods (specifically aisle seven). Occasionally, I’ll blow a stock boy for the first shot at the Justin’s Natural Delicious shipment when it comes in.

Did you think this story would have a happy ending? I mean, sure, I’ve lost like 15 lbs. and my hair is healthier than ever because almond butter is full of vitamin E and antioxidants, but at what cost? Less than 5.99/lb. if ya nasty.

Image: Pexel/Instacart 

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  1. Making Almond Crack from Almond Butter.

    Boil water in a double boiler.
    Get baking soda and the almond butter of your choice.
    Using a triple beam scale, measure out your almond butter.
    Mix one gram of soda for every seven grams of almond butter.
    Over high heat, shake it up until it bubbles up and gets hard.
    Then sit the container in some ready-made and ice-cold water.
    Allow to cool thoroughly.
    And now your almond butter is almond crack.
    Smoke and enjoy!

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