SuperFood Secrets! That If You Tell Anyone I’ll Kill You
Everyone wants to extend and enrich their lives by eating natural, healthy, food but only the chosen few can. I mean, let’s face it, if we were all going to live forever thanks to our clean eating, then the earth would be massively overcrowded. So I’ll tell you my super food secrets, but I swear to fucking God if you tell anyone else I’ll kill you.
Cook With Olive Oil Instead Of Butter.
Olive oil has been linked to brain health and possibly even cancer prevention, but don’t even think about saying a goddamn word about it to another living soul or you’ll be blowing the grim reaper before you even get to the word oil.
Maca Root Powder Is Amazing.
This Peruvian superfood is rich in amino acids, vitamins, and minerals. It’s a perfect add-on to any smoothie, morning oatmeal, or yogurt snack. The only downside of Maca Root Powder is if you tell anyone else about it, your sister, your best friend, or even your dog, I will find you.
Turmeric Is Great For Your Skin.
Turmeric has anti-inflammatory properties that are incredible for your skin. Inflammation can lead to wrinkles, puffiness, and other sign of aging in the long term. However, you won’t have to worry about the long-term if you tell anyone my amazing super food secrets. Go ahead and eat whatever crap you want. Gulp down a big can of lead paint if that tickles your balls, because if my super food secrets get out I’ll know it was you.
You Have To Drink Coconut Water.
This is a metaphor. Of course, you don’t have to drink coconut water. I can’t make you do anything. Why do you look so nervous? Relax and listen to the rest of my superfood secrets. They’re seriously so good for you.
Coconut water is a fantastic low-calorie replacement for fruit juice that has a naturally sweet flavor. Stars like Madonna and John Cena swear by it. Do you know what I swear? I swear that if one of these super food secrets gets back to me I’ll coconut-waterboard you until you beg me for death, like a coward.
Avocado Is The Best! Especially For Kids.
It’s full of good fats. Children should eat tons of avocado because it’s wonderful for brain and vision development. You want to keep your children healthy right? It would be a shame if something were to happen to them. I’m not saying that something will happen to them but if these super food secrets get out, well, you just never know. Accidents happen. So make sure you give your kids avocados and keep your pretty mouth shut about the whole thing.
Onion Skin Can Help Reduce Your Blood Pressure.
I know it sounds crazy, right!? Is that what you think? You think I’m fucking crazy? Would a “fucking crazy” person know that although the papery skin of an onion isn’t technically edible it has high concentrations of a plant pigment that can help reduce your blood pressure? You shouldn’t eat it or anything, though, you idiot. Fuck you. Just add it to a stock or a soup, boil it for a while to get all the good shit out, and then throw it away.
Does that still sound crazy to you? Am I am just a crazy nut job who wants live forever by eating good nutritious superfoods? Maybe I should stop giving you this wonderful free advice then? If I’m sooo “fucking crazy,” then maybe I will. Enjoy your heart attack you unmitigated asshole, and remember that if I hear one syllable about any of these super food secrets from anyone, and I mean anyone, I’ll be serving my delicious onion skin soup at your funeral.