Signs Your Infant Is A Toxic Person

February 15, 2019 by
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Purging your life of toxic people is a crucial milestone in the psychological and spiritual development of every adult, but if you’re a new parent, you might be overlooking the most toxic person of all: your infant. That new baby smell is tricking your brain into letting this barely person not walk all over you, and it’s time to stand up to them. How do you know if your infant is a toxic person? Read on.

They Don’t Care About Your Needs

toxic person

Brand new people are all about “me, me, me.” “I’m hungry,” “I’m sleepy,” “I’m overwhelmed,” and (most often) “I’m shitting myself.” It’s always a level-one emergency when they experience these things, but what about you? Do they care when you’re hungry, sleepy, overwhelmed, and shitting yourself?

The answer, all too often, is no. They don’t care that it’s 4:00 P.M. and this is the first chance you’ve had all day to make yourself a sandwich. They don’t care that you’re running on 90 minutes of sleep because they woke you up seven times with their own problems. You could be having your medically prescribed sitz bath when the feces starts involuntarily flowing because your episiotomy wounds have made it too painful to poop since birth a week ago, and they’ll be right there in their car seat outside the tub, bitching about God knows what. That’s not healthy, on a variety of levels. Speaking of all their bitching …

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They Constantly Scream At You

toxic person

Verbal abuse is never okay, even from a frightened, helpless creature facing a completely new and terrifying world. It’s normal for babies to cry because it’s the only way their stupid little bodies know how to communicate, but they know that you know that, and they take advantage of it. If it starts to get excessive, it’s time to get suspicious.

Do they cry for seemingly no reason? Have you checked their diaper, tried to feed them, quickly run out of ideas and started making silly faces in the hope that they will find this amusing and not terrifying, and still, they wail? Do they seem to be doing it just to drive you crazy at this point? Has their screaming become so constant that you’ve raised your concerns to your pediatrician, but they can find no cause for the commotion? That’s some psycho shit. That is straight-up manipulation, and you don’t have to take it.

They Literally Shit On You

toxic person

It’s bad enough when someone subtly disparages you and your interests in an attempt to lower your self-esteem and increase your dependence upon them and their approval, but babies will literally shit on you. With impunity. I’m sorry, but would you put up with that behavior from an adult? Of course not. That’s probably a felony of some kind. That’s the ageist criminal justice system for you.

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What Now?

toxic person

Coming to terms with the fact that your infant is a toxic person is only the first step. What do you do now? Unlike the other abusers in your life, you’re legally responsible for this person. You personally Frankensteined them into being. Cutting them out of your life won’t be so simple. You can try to pawn them off on a relative, but unless you’re willing to cut that relative out of your life, too, you’re still on the hook for such unpleasant things as child support and angry teenage phone calls.

The best solution is to look up your local safe haven laws. In most states, you can just drop off your toxic infant at any hospital or police station, no questions asked. State law varies on just how long you have to determine that your infant is a toxic person, however, so make sure you know before you go. Sadly, in most states, your toxic four-year-old is your problem.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Pixabay, PixabayPexels


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  1. Love this! I myself had toxic infants! I grew attached and moved passed it (pretty sure it was Stockholm syndrome)

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