The Perfect Sex Positions Based On Your Socio-Economic Level

August 13, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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What do sex and socio-economics have in common? A lot more than you think, my fine mammalian friend. See it turns out (as proven by many VERY very good academic studies! Just trust me!) that human beings bang best when fulfilling their own economic role in the bedroom. Fear not though, for we’ve curated a special list of the most effective sex positions based on your social class. So if you’ve been down in the dumps from your lousy bumps in the bunks lately, read on!

The Beggar’s Purse

sex positionsFinancial bracket: Poor

Minimal effort required here. Fondle your S/O’s genitalia with your hands and rub consistently. Hopefully this’ll keep both of you warm during those harsh peasant winters in the gutters. There’s no need to worry about needless sexual gratification when your poor brittle lower-class bodies have much higher priorities.

The 9-to-5

Financial bracket: working class

This technique requires a little more patience, but the reward is well worth it. The goal is to stimulate both you and your partner just near that objective of orgasmic completion, but never fully going there. You might one day reach climax, but probably not today. It’s OK, though. We can’t all have our dreams.

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The American Dream

Financial bracket: lower middle class

They’ve told you all your life that you’d never amount to anything special. Well, now’s your chance to prove them wrong. Get out the peanut butter, motor oil, lawn chair, fireworks, and a bucket full of all your hopes and dreams, because this one’s going to be special. Public sex is usually a huge social taboo, but when you’re already 100% all-natural American trash, it doesn’t even matter. Lay it all out on your front lawn, and lubricate yourselves with the peanut butter and motor oil mixture. Then fuck like there’s no tomorrow on the lawn chair, while red, white, and blue fireworks go off and the national anthem plays. Have no shame, because there ain’t nothin’ indecent about patriotism, baby!

The Opportunist

Financial bracket: upper-middle class

The world is yours for the taking and you can do no wrong. Now it’s time to prove that fact in bed. For this, you’re gonna want a pole vault pole and a lotta determination, which we already know is your biological manifest destiny. Have your partner lay spread eagle on the opposite side of the room. Meanwhile, prep yourself off with a few stretches, then take a running start. Once you’ve hit a good distance, pole jump high in the air and brace yourself for ground impact. If successful, mighty Thor himself might just come down to congratulate you, you crazy son-of-a-bitch.

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Art of the Deal

sex positionsFinancial bracket: Upper class

This is it, the big one. All of that hard and well-fought work finally paid off, and now you’re able to enjoy what is rightfully yours as the top of the socio-economic food-chain. This is less a sexual position and more demonstration of your power, so feel free to proceed as you wish, you sex demigod you. Turn down all offers of sex from your partner until they finally can’t stand it. Once all of the cards are in your hands, promise the very thing that they crave, but then turn around and deny them what they want. The goal here is to assert yourself as the dealmaker, and not the pawn. Once you’re the full master of your domain, you can do anything you want. Sex is your infinity stone, and you’re goddamn motherfuckin Thanos.


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3 Comments

  1. Absolutely Love this website !! Heard about it on JRE and had to check it outt! Macaulay you inspired me as a child in your roles in Home Alone, still to this day make me inspired to keep going and never give up. I dont know if you have heard of it before but I acted on a canadian telivision show as a child called: Corner Gas. I got paid once and because we live in canada and didnt have a contract for future royalties I haven’t lived off acting ever! Long story short i’ll shut up right aways.. I just want you to know that I look up to you as an actor and performer!! Thanks for such a funny article by the way, your writers are great !!

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