Intermittent Fasting Tips From Your Unpaid Intern

Making it to upper management in a billion-dollar company can be stressful, and it’s easy to let your health fall by the wayside. I’ve piled on the pounds over the years, and I’ve tried everything to take it off, from complaining, to doing absolutely nothing. I’m out of ideas. But I recently heard about something called intermittent fasting, a system where you purposely don’t eat for specific hours of the day—and it’s supposed to help you shed weight. I had our unpaid intern, Jennifer, do a quick Google search, and it revealed the process involves daily 16-hour fasts, and fasting for 24 hours twice a week. However, that must be the beginner level, as I’ve seen Jennifer go up to 72 hours without eating. She’s clearly an expert on the subject! So I emailed her for some intermittent fasting tips, and this was her reply:

“I don’t do it on purpose. I wish I could eat, I just don’t have the time or the money. It’s torture. I get food for everyone in the office, but can’t have any of it myself. I give away a prize I can never possess, like Red Skull with the Soul Stone, or Moses leading the Hebrews into the Promised Land, only to be forbidden from entering by a cruel, uncaring God.”

Brilliant! Apparently, the #1 intermittent fasting tip is to engross yourself in your work, and you literally won’t have time to eat! However, I tend to delegate most responsibilities elsewhere, so while I get paid exponentially more than almost anyone here, I often find myself with little to do. Luckily, I bumped into our other intern, Jessica, who sorts and categorizes files all day for us. I asked her for a few tips on slimming the old waist and had her transcribe her answer below:

“I’m Jennifer. You just talked to me about this. Is there anything else I can do for you while I still have enough energy to stand?”

Well, that’s embarrassing. Apparently she does that job as well. Can’t believe it’s legal for me to not pay her. But I did want a second opinion, so I called up our other intern, Craig. He’s a bright young lad who handles all the physical labor around the workplace and even cleans the bathrooms. If anyone knows about staying in shape, it’s Craig. He said:

“Still Jennifer.”

I’ve gotta say, with her work ethic and commitment, Jennifer’s future looks bright. Just probably not with our company because I’m planning to give the job earmarked for her to my nephew, Tad. But I’m sure ol’ Jennifer will land on her feet.

What were we talking about? Fasting? Right. You know, on second thought, I don’t think it’s for me. Jennifer looks awfully sallow.

Images: Pexels, Pexels