Ah, ramen, that economical culinary staple. A simple calorie-heavy bang for your buck, as dependable as my employment history used to be. It can get a little boring, but don’t fret! I’m gonna spend a week exploring ways to keep the magic going with adventurous ramen garnishes that won’t leave you wondering how to pay rent. Who knows? Maybe getting fired was fortunate and being a foodie is my thing now! I’m excited! Let’s get the basics out of the way.
• instant ramen noodles
• ramen broth packet (beef works best)
• fun garnishes I suggest
Everyone has their own way to get the noodles just the way they like them. I prefer the noodles as intact as possible and boiled just enough to have an al dente consistency, but my former boss says I was “fired weeks ago” and “need to stop sneaking into the building to steal toilet paper and other sundries,” so I feel we should keep an open mind and realize there are no wrong answers in life.
Day One: Lime Juice, Grated Cheese, Taco Sauce
See? We’re already having fun. This takes our trusty Asian dish and gives it a distinctly Tex-Mex character. If you are like me, you probably don’t have fresh limes or fresh anything, but I bought concentrated lime juice at a convenience store once to make my trash beer taste like anything but regret for dropping out of college. I also bought a bag of shredded cheese that night and somehow didn’t devour the whole thing during a 3:00 AM shame binge. I just mixed that up with a packet of sauce I went to Taco Bell for the sole purpose of stealing and made something that almost resembles adult people food.
Day Two: Steak Sauce, Steak Rub, Tabasco Sauce
Admit it. You have that one bottle of steak sauce in the back of a cabinet you bought when Obama was president but never actually achieved the sort of lifestyle that would justify regularly eating steak. Now you can put it to use! The steak rub might be a bit of a splurge, but you deserve $1.50 in spices. Serve with a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and you have something like the steak and potato dinners your dad used to eat. God, he is so disappointed in you.
Day Three: Grade A Grass-Fed Porterhouse Steak
Fun Fact: When you come out as a food blogger, people just send you free food to review. My post about steak-flavored ramen went viral, so a New York butcher just sent me one of the most amazing cuts of meat I have ever seen in my life. It’s crazy, I know. I could really get used to this.
Fuck ramen. And fuck you. I just got some free steak, bitches.
Day Four: Cocaine
Oh. My. God. Becoming a food blogger was the best decision I have ever made. I’ve got groupies, VIP restaurant treatment, and a guy who has access to some just pristine drugs. What, you think I’m sprinkling this on ramen? Don’t be stupid. I’m not even eating anymore, I’m so high. I’m saving all kinds of money here. I. AM. SO. GOOD. AT. THIS.
Day Five: Unidentified Carcass, “Compost”
You people don’t appreciate me, goddammit. I’m a fucking artist. I have passion. I found this … animal in my backyard. It was 5:30 AM, and I was already getting the shakes. It was unrecognizable due to decay and insects. I cried for a moment about the terrible cruelty of this world, then I scooped the whole thing up with a shovel, taking a chunk out of my lawn, and dumped it all into a bowl. Then I poured some ramen seasoning over it. Eat it, you fucks.
Day Six: Fast Food Condiments Scavenged From The Refrigerator
I’m sorry. I’m not sure how, but I must have crossed some sort of line. I’ve lost my audience, I’ve lost my sponsorships. I’m ruined. I’m not giving up. I just need to go back to my roots. Remember what this blog was about.
I found six packets of fast food condiments that had fallen behind a drawer in my refrigerator. Two are completely unidentifiable and could be months or years old. One had clumps, and the other physically recoiled at being exposed to sunlight when I tore open the package. The result was unspeakable. It was like a bowl of humiliation.
I hate this society and how it shames low-income folks for trying to find any meager joy in even basic accommodations like food. I’M A HUMAN BEING, YOU GAWKING SLACK-JAWED MONSTERS. I DESERVE NICE THINGS. I DESERVE NICE THINGS. I DESERVE NICE—
Day Seven: Rat Poison
[Editor’s Note: Rani is resting right now. Her hectic week in the highly competitive world of food blogging proved a bit overstimulating. Please send your thoughts and prayers but absolutely no cocaine. Thank you.]