Save The Pandas So We Can Watch Them Bone

December 3, 2019 by , featured in Lifestyle
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The noble panda is on the verge of extinction. We, as humans, have a responsibility to act quickly to protect these majestic mammals, or else face dire consequences. As in we won’t be able to watch them fuck. We understand how that sounds. Bad. But believe us, we’ve heard all of the counterarguments before. “Panda bears move slowly. Their dying out is just survival of the fittest,” and, “We’re spending resources on fighting a lost cause when we should be spending resources on saving other animals, like marmosets, which have nastier sex,” and, “Wait, you like to watch pandas fuck?”

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The fact of the matter is, saving the pandas and then watching them fuck just makes sense. If we’re already putting pandas through various breeding programs, shouldn’t we watch them while they mate? They’re animals. It’s not like they have any shame. Otherwise, they would wear pants.

We Need to Act Fast

Global warming, poaching, and habitat destruction are some of the challenges pandas face today. You’ll notice that “Scientists watching pandas go at it, partly because they’re curious as to what a panda bear penis looks like, and partly because human pornography doesn’t do it for them anymore” is not on that list. Seriously, though, what does their junk look like? Is it curly, like a cat’s? Is it just like a regular bear dick? We’ll never know the answer if they die out.

Think About It

Extinction is a slippery slope. If pandas go extinct today, imagine what endangered species could go extinct tomorrow. Sumatran elephants? Snow leopards? Black rhinos? We haven’t seen any of those animals fuck. Do we really want to live in a world that has no loggerhead turtles and no people who have seen loggerhead turtles have sex with each other? We sure don’t. And if you think that panda bears deserve their fate because of “natural selection,” think again—because you might not know that you actually wanted to see if pandas have an animal version of going down on each other until it’s too late.

So act today to save the pandas. We can say with total confidence that their sex is crazy, nasty, dirty, and totally worth watching.

Images: Pexels/Pixabay


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