Bison Urethra: The Biodegradable Alternative To Plastic Straws
Ever since it’s been scientifically proven that plastic straws are the number-one and only threat to our Mother Earth, we as a society have come together to annihilate every last shred of this tubular capitalist sin and herald a new age where the oceans are completely and forever safe. Congratulations! But no victory is without sacrifice, a revelation I recently discovered after spilling a Cold Foam Cascara Nitro while driving from my local Starbucks after they had heroically replaced their plastic straws with plastic lids to go over their plastic cups, thus saving the planet at great cost. Like the mighty eco-warrior Thanos, this coffee titan had to sacrifice what we cherish most in order to save humanity’s resources.
But there is still hope for those who’d rather consume their liquids in a perpetual state of gushing, an alternative both effective and 100% biodegradable, passed down from our Native American ancestors, probably.
In Yellowstone Park alone, there are as many as 5,500 currently useless bison walking around the 3,472 square miles of land. Multiply that by the 3.797 million square miles of America and you get over six million bison occupying the United States alone! The same way tribes of old used every part of the buffalo, we too must utilize this long-untapped resource of girthy penile flumes for use in our morning coffees and bloody Marys.
This lesson was recently explained to me by Wagner Organics CEO Chief Dillon Wagner. I caught up with Dillon as he was packing his van with another shipment of organic Bo-Vines, developed and sold exclusively by him.
Due to the divisive nature of his work, this one-man manufacturer often finds himself on the go and on the ropes against Big Plastic, who Dillon says has teamed up with the National Park Service in a perpetual attempt to shutter his sustainable business. The entrepreneur was kind enough not only to explain his struggle to me but give me a firsthand look at the repurposed workspace of Wagner Organics and the personal touch that goes into every Bo-Vine straw.
Starting as a simple hobby out of college, Wagner found that he had a natural talent for extracting the urethras of any kind of mammal, the largest and most rewarding of which being bison. What first originated as an aesthetic collection quickly snowballed into a planet-saving business when Dillon realized that the wide breadth of the bison’s semen and urine duct was the perfect conduit for his morning power shakes.
Unable to hire staff, Dillon hand-extracts and inspects every Bo-Vine straw before individually wrapping it in a bee’s wax fabric designed to lock in the natural vitamins and bison juices you’d never get from any plastic product. The result, as I found out firsthand, is a welcome and healthy tang added to any drink! Need a mixer for your night out? Perhaps something to take the acidic edge off that morning coffee? Simply plop in one of Dillon’s malleable bison urethras, warm from the package, and completely transform the way you consume liquids! All while saving the environment!
What’s more: The spongy nature of the urethral crest acts as a filter for the many toxins trying to enter your system.
While claiming he doesn’t do it for Mother Earth so much as “the intense engorgement [of the heart, presumably] experienced when fingers lock around an animal’s sinewy urethral region and the pulp begins to dislodge,” Dillon has expressed interest in expanding his company to other organic kitchenware products based on the many prototypes he keeps in his forest home. Without divulging all the details, Wagner Organics customers will soon replace their pasta strainers with an “inflated and dried fox stomach–based alternative” as well as a luxury-item finger bowl “made from the underdeveloped brain pan of God’s most forbidden mammal,” whatever that means.