Get Your Strongest Core Ever With Nonstop Crying!
The hottest new thing in fitness goes by many names. Some call it “sob crunches” while others, like myself, prefer “exer-crying.” No matter what you call it, the results are undeniable: cry your way to your strongest core ever!
“I haven’t felt this toned in a decade!” exclaimed Judy Chapman, one of several young professionals exiting the Beverly Hills Natural Workout Fitness Center. “All it cost me was the tenuous facade I use each day to get through my divorce.” Before I could follow up, Judy was already entering her car and locking the door only to sit and stare blankly for the next 15 minutes. I would later be told that this is referred to as the “cool-down period.”
You know that old saying about how it takes more muscles to frown than smile? Well, by that logic, the sadder you are, the more toned your jawline becomes! It turns out that this also applies to the stomach-twitching gasps a human makes when in the depths of serious despair. At least, that’s the theory behind the numerous sadness-based fitness programs popping up all over the country. And the best part? It only takes 10 minutes of intense sorrow per day to see results!
We grilled our exer-crying expert, Blake Stewart, about how you can get started on your own gut-toning regime of wails. He boiled it down to these easy-to-follow tips:
Find A Soundproof Area Of Your Home
There’s no worse feeling than being interrupted in the middle of a burn. This tends to happen considerably more often when your exercise routine heavily involves agonized, animalistic shrieking. Worst-case scenario, simply put a sign on your door that says “I’m not being murdered, please don’t interrupt.”
According to Blake: “If you have a baby in the house or are working out late at night, our online fitness shop sells special socks that you can plug into your mouth during the workout.”
Get Into A Position Where You Don’t Mind Collapsing
While great on the abs, the act of screaming sobs can often do a number on your lungs and cause brief unconsciousness. This is why it’s most advisable to sign up for a exer-cry program at your local gym where you will be monitored. Failing that, make sure your body is positioned in a way that won’t cause harm if you suddenly drop to the floor in melancholy exhaustion.
According to Blake: “While the ideal position/location for exer-crying is bawled up on top of a mattress, many participants find it motivational to exercise in public areas such as a gravestone or the parking garage of their previous employer. In those cases, it is important to wear a helmet in case of a sudden fall.”
Visual Aids Are Key
Not everyone can burst into a cascade of tears by simply remembering their deceased loved ones or the childhood memory of a dead goose by the road, which is why it’s important to learn and utilize visual techniques to set you off as quickly as possible. Try buying a stack of flashcards and write disheartening realities on each one, such as “Everyone dies afraid and in pain” and “The Shape Of Water won the Oscar for Best Picture.”
According to Blake: “If words aren’t enough, find photographs of a friend or family member who died or shunned you over the years. Also, many of my students can burst into tears simply by the reminder that they are overweight and desperate. There’s nothing more motivating than the profound realization that no matter how optimistic your disposition, most people don’t ever change, let alone improve and find true happiness.”
We, um … we have some fitness to do.