I Farted Really Loudly Just Now, Um, Because It’s a New Health Thing?

July 16, 2019 by , featured in Health
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That fart that you just heard? That came from me? Yeah. Um. That happened because, uh … it’s actually, um, this new health trend that, um, people are doing? Yeah. Farting really loudly is a health thing. That’s why it smelt like, in your words, “rotting kimchi,” and I’m definitely not at all embarrassed that it happened. It’s a trend. For health stuff. So you don’t really need to act like you’re disgusted with both my fart and me as a person for producing such a loud fart. I’m being healthy. In fact, here’s why my really loud fart wasn’t embarrassing and you should forget it ever happened immediately.

It, Uh, I Guess it Releases Toxins?

Your gut houses a lot of toxins, and—I swear I’m not making this up off the top of my head—and if you trap those toxins inside you, they’ll uh, seep into your intestines? That sounds right, right? Yeah, so I just didn’t want my body to get junked up with … toxins … that could cause … cancer. Yeah. Cancer is bad.

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Your Gut Health Is Important To … What is it? Your Immune System?

People say your gut is the key that unlocks your immune system. That sounds good, doesn’t it? Who says that, you ask? It’s people, okay? Don’t, just—I’m trying to tell you that you have to fart otherwise you’ll get sick. Just go with me.

It Was A Health Thing In The Past, Wasn’t It?

Did you know that people in the past thought that farting was a medical cure? It’s true! Look it up. Google it! I swear I’m not making it up.

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I Saw a Blog About It. No. I Totally Did

More and more health blogs are touting the benefits of farting so loudly it sounds like you’re testing a nuclear bomb inside your anus. So lots of people do this. It’s not just me. Please don’t give me a nickname or ever bring this up again. Lots. Of. People. Do. This.

So seriously just forget about it. And maybe even feel ashamed that you didn’t fart really, really loudly just now.

Images: Pexels


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1 Comment

  1. Yuppies are dumb enough to believe this. I wish all yoga pants wearing white women would fart loudly in public. Haha!

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