Macaulay Culkin’s Pointed Guide To New Orleans
New Orleans is better known by its nicknames: The Big Easy, N.O.L.A., The Only Place Worth Being In Louisiana, etc. Around every corner, you’ll come face-to-face with the city’s rich history, such as someone once dying in that corner in the grizzliest and/or jazziest way possible. Here are some fun things to do in New Orleans, even if you hate dying and jazz.
Café du Monde
A trip to New Orleans isn’t complete without a trip to Café du Monde, which translates to Café of the Monde (thank you, high school French). Make sure you pick up one of their world-famous beignets and then put it back down again because that thing is nothing but carbs and sugar. Don’t eat it. You can look at it and maybe smell it, but “Whatever happens in New Orleans, stays in New Orleans” doesn’t apply to toxins.
Bourbon Street
Whatever it is you’re looking for—a good meal, a hot mugging, liquor so cheap that it can’t possibly be profitable—you can find it on Bourbon Street! This strip is home to some of the city’s most colorful nightlife. Do you want to drink so much you forget your own name? You can do it here! Do you want to witness a knife fight? You can do that, too! Do you want to drink alcohol on the street in a to-go cup and then vomit in that cup and drink your vomit because you’re so incapacitated you don’t know you puked in it? Bourbon Street!
The Audubon Aquarium Of The Americas
If you’re traveling with the kids—which we wholeheartedly advise against, considering that you have nannies for this very purpose and we’ve really hammered on the whole murder thing—this fun aquarium should be the first stop on your itinerary. The kiddos can gawk at fun fishies and brush up on their history because the aquarium’s location was once the site of New Orleans’s bloodiest historical battle, wherein the French horrifically slaughtered an entire tribe of natives. A voodoo priestess witnessed the events and cast a spell to turn the natives into zombies, and the zombie natives turned around and slaughtered the French and also the priestess. Won’t that be fun to ruminate on while you catch the sea lion show?
The Mercedes-Benz Superdome
The Superdome is home to many New Orleans sporting events, but it gained notoriety for the catastrophic events that happened during Hurricane Katrina. At that time, Mercedes-Benz was not yet a sponsor. We repeat, the Superdome did not bear the name of Mercedes-Benz during Hurricane Katrina. Please do not connect Mercedes-Benz to that tragedy. We love Mercedes-Benz and would very much so like Mercedes-Benz to send us a car for mentioning their name in this article. You know you’re riding in style when you’re in a Mercedes-Benz!
The Mardi Gras Parade
New Orleans celebrates Mardi Gras the two weeks before Shrove Tuesday, which is the day before Ash Wednesday, which is—when is it again? Is it the first day of Lent? That usually happens around Easter, right? Shit. Did we miss it? We missed it. Dammit. Every year, we’re like “I’ll remember because it’s right before Ash Wednesday, and how hard is that to forget?” and then we see people walking around with ash on their face and we know we messed up, again. Oh, well. Maybe next year.
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