We’re Out Of Cute Mythological Animals, So Let’s Be Harpies, Ladies!

We admit it: We adored frolicking as unicorns. We positively splashed around in Mermaid Summer. We rocked those fairy wings for several festival seasons and loved every minute of it. But eventually—and we all knew this day was coming—we hit the bottom of the barrel of adorable mythological creatures. So it’s come to this: Let’s be HARPIES, BITCHESSSSSS!

The harpies, if you aren’t up on your Homer, are magnificent creatures from Greek mythology. They personify the power of storm winds, which will definitely move some merch. But more importantly, the harpies have a totes unique look: They are part bird, part woman, and part enormous tits.

We know, we know. How can you feel feminine yet quirky when your mascot is a giant winged bosom with claw feet? But start focusing on the upsides! Stop strapping an uncomfortable golden horn to your head when you can simply go screeching naked in people’s faces! Seriously, what could be more empowering than a mythological flavor-of-the-week whose main power is clawing the shit out of people? Remember, any guy who doesn’t respond to that isn’t worth your stormwind powers.

We’re seeing big things ahead for this trend. Like how about some adorable boob-out half-shirts with famous quotes about harpies? There’s a ton to choose from, but we like to stick with Greek classics, like this one from Aeschylus: “They snore with repulsive breaths, they drip from their eyes hateful drops; their attire is not fit to bring either before the statues of the gods or into the homes of men.”

Now just imagine sporting that as your barista whips up your Harpyccino, a sexy brown promotional drink. It tastes like the blood of Grecian sailors, and it’s sprinkled with their little tiny dismembered body parts.

So enjoy being harpies while it lasts, ladies! It may not be as whimsical as being a unicorn, but it’s a lot better than being a shitgoblin, which is the next one down on the list.

Image: Unsplash/Wikimedia Commons, Wikimedia, Wikimedia