Repo Man Repossessed My Dignity
I used to love the fact that professional wrestling was full of fun villains and heels. That is until Repo Man came into my life and repossessed my dignity. That’s right. For some inexplicable reason, Repo Man emerged from the early-’90s to take my feelings of self-worth.
Repo-Man Smashed My Mom
First, he started dating my mom. Which is fine, I guess, if that makes her happy. But then, during a double-date with the two of them and my wife, he told me to call him “daddy.” Not fine. I’m in my 30s and I don’t even do that with my biological father. That didn’t matter to my mom, though. At all. She forced me to call him “daddy” in front of the waitress, my wife, and everyone else.
He Ruined My Car, Which I Had JUST Paid Off
After dinner, Repo straight up took the tires off my car and said, “MINE!” in that high-pitched squeak of his. He walked around on tip-toes, sneaking and hunching, even though everyone clearly saw him. He also pantsed me. Took my underwear, too. Have you ever stood naked in a crowded Olive Garden parking lot in front of your tireless car while pro wrestling’s Hamburglar cackled? I have. It sucks. I liked those pants.
I thought it couldn’t get any worse. But then next week happened.
He Stole My Wife
I got back home from work, super embarrassed because someone with the email [email protected] sent all my coworkers naked Spring Break Twister pics of me … and I saw my wife making out with the Repo Man. She said she wanted a divorce and is now in a polyamorous relationship with Repo Man and my mom. She also called him daddy.
That’s when my kids pantsed me and gave them to Repo Man. He praised them for their repossession of my khakis and boxers. They called him “daddy,” too. Have you ever stood bare-ass in front of your neighbors as a man with a domino mask and tire-treaded knee pads kicked you out of your own home? I have. It sucks. And I couldn’t get inside to get my other pairs of pants.
Please, Repo Man. Have a Heart
So if you’re reading this, Repo Man, I am begging you to repossess your compassion and stop messing with me. I have no idea what I did wrong. I pay my student loans on time. I don’t have any outstanding credit card debt. Was it because I said that Ax and Crush were better members of Demolition? If so, I was wrong and I apologize. I am also all out of family members and pants, so please just let me wear these board shorts in peace.